I'm ready for more jokes.

[dieselyoda]

A lumberjack walks into the hardware store.
He says, " I caana cut the four cords of da wood with my aks in a day!"
Wow, the store owner says.
"I got this tool that can triple that. It's called a chainsaw."
Lumberjack says, "I'll take one."
A few days later, the lumberjack returns and says, "dis here chainsaw dunna cut a cord a day!"
"You Anglo, yooze think always us Francaphones are stupid!"
Store owner apologies,"maybe it's defective. Let me see."
Store owner grabs the saw, has a look, sticks it on the counter, gives it a pull.
BRUUUM!
Da lumberjack says, "Whats that noise?"

 

[lee]

 

[lee]

 

[dieselyoda]

For my Canuck friends,sorry, but it is playoff time
Two Canucks wound up in hell and the devil had to see this rare opportunity.
He checks on the boys and sees them wearing flip flops, shorts, and t-shirts.
"What in hell is this?"
"After nine months of freeezing our ass off, this is so delightful!"
They got the BBQ going.
Satan turns the furnaces up. The furnaces of hell go to pouring coal.
All the people in hell are complaining.
Satan goes to see them. They are cooking steaks.
"Blue rare, Chicago rare or just after it's been shot?"
"Fine. I will get you!"
Satan turns off the furnaces and everything freezes solid.
He checks on the Canuck boys and they are still wearing their flip-flops, shorts and T's.
"What in hell are you doing?"
"Celebrating!"
"We knew the Leafs would make the playoffs when hell froze-over."

 

[lee]

 

[lee]

 

[20774]

 

[20774]

Belated Father's Day post:

There were 5 of us expecting fathers there anxiously waiting and trying to talk each other through the anxiety. A nurse finally came out and we were all hyper focused on her. She come up to the guy next to me and says, “Congratulations, you're a father of twins." The man says, "That's crazy, because my brother and I own Twin Liquors." The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets." The man says, "That's also crazy, I work for the 3M Company." The nurse tells the third guy," Congratulations, you're the father of quadruplets." The man says, "That's also crazy, I work for the Four Seasons hotel." I noticed the last man walked off so I looked around and saw him banging his head against the wall so I ran over, put my hand on his shoulder, and asked "What's wrong?” He looks at me with these bleary eyes and barely manages to get out - “I work for 7UP."

 

[pauls1150]

Another guy worked at a 7-11.
Another guy worked at for WD-40.
Another guy worked at the 99¢ store.

 

[ksdcr]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[dieselyoda]

I was at church last Sunday.
A very elderly couple were in front of me, very sweet couple.
Just inside ear shot, she leans over to her husband and says, I just very discreetly and quietly broke wind."
"What should I do?"
He leans over and says, "change the battery in your hearing-aid."

 

[20774]

 

[ksdcr]

….

 

[pauls1150]

Then we'd come up with fewer smart-assed replies!

 

[lee]

 

[ksdcr]

….

 

[akbeemer]

 

[lee]

 

[ksdcr]

As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[ksdcr]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside.
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an ass***. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a ******** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”