I'm ready for more jokes.

[gsinnc]

Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a damn good ting we didn't use WD-40.

 

[gregfeeler]

I am sure there is one out there. This thing has just gone wild. But kudos to Bernie ... like him or not .... he's taking it well and they are selling t-shirts and sweatshirts with all proceeds going to charity.

He's sharp and has turned this whole mime thing into a fund raiser for Meals On Wheels by selling sweatshirts with that image for $45 each:

https://www.thenonprofittimes.com/n...-96642531&mc_cid=f1aef3fdee&mc_eid=628b3b1065

 

[gsaddict]

Maybe not THAT sharp....

 

[gregfeeler]

Maybe not THAT sharp....

Hehe!

 

[20774]

Don't you know it!

 

[pauls1150]

Rare Barn Find

Anyone know the year?

 

[mikegalbicka]

Anyone know the year?

Stone Age.

 

[pauls1150]

We were just digging in the back yard for a project, and got down to bedrock...

 

[gsaddict]

Yabba Dabba Doo model.

 

[52184]

Yabba Dabba Doo model.

I think the owner left the radio on...

 

[20774]

Be sure to check all sources of possible noise when you're troubleshoot!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/ViZsDf5Jiu8" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

[mehrten]

Simple Truths!

Here are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1 :

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own .
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.

 

[gsaddict]

^^^^^I'm takin' those to the Bank!^^^^

 

[Omega Man]

March 1

OM

 

[20774]

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Well, yesterday you said is was H to O.

 

[gsinnc]

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Well, yesterday you said is was H to O.

Hmmm .... was Donald Blond?

 

[20774]

No, I think he was the class smart a$$!

 

[exgman]

A friend sent these along to me:


1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.


2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.


3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.


4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.


5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.


7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.


8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”


9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.


10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.


11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.


12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.


13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”


14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.


15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

[akbeemer]

Friend? Are you certain?

A man who will pun, will pick a pocket.

 

[20774]

I never knew...