I'm ready for more jokes.

Thing to ponder .....


Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go ahead and try it.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it’s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

A woman was three months pregnant when she was involved in a car accident. She survived but ended up in the hospital in a coma for 7 months. When she came out of the coma, she soon noticed she wasn't pregnant anymore, so she asked the doctor what happened.

The doctor said that in the past month, she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl. The doctor said they were doing fine and were in the newborn clinic in the hospital. When she felt up to it, the doctor could take her down to see them.

The doctor went on to say that her brother had been very helpful with the two babies. He had even provided names for the babies for the birth certificate.

The woman was taken aback and indicated that her brother was a couple of bats shy of a belfry so was alarmed this had happened. She asked what names he had given them.

Doctor said "The girl is named Denise". The woman said that's nice...she actually liked that name. And "what name he my brother give the boy?".

The doctor said "Denephew."

One evening while a couple sat in the living room, the husband asked "Honey, am I the only one you've ever been with".

His wife replied "Oh yes dear, all the rest were nines and tens".

A Maine Wife
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna' pull her up again tomorrow."

Latest Revell model

GSAddict said:

Latest Revell model

Click to expand...

It's a submarine now.

PGlaves said:

It's a submarine now.

Click to expand...

Stealth

Fish habitat...

This about sums it up:

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his answer :

"If you mean whiskey, the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life’s great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."

A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph's hospital and asked "Is it possible to speak to someone to tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, trembly voice said "Norma Findley, Room 302."

The operator replied "Let me put you on hold while I check the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back OK and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That is wonderful. I was worried. God Bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findley in Room 3002. No one tells me crap."

20774 said:

A woman was three months pregnant when she was involved in a car accident. She survived but ended up in the hospital in a coma for 7 months. When she came out of the coma, she soon noticed she wasn't pregnant anymore, so she asked the doctor what happened.

The doctor said that in the past month, she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl. The doctor said they were doing fine and were in the newborn clinic in the hospital. When she felt up to it, the doctor could take her down to see them.

The doctor went on to say that her brother had been very helpful with the two babies. He had even provided names for the babies for the birth certificate.

The woman was taken aback and indicated that her brother was a couple of bats shy of a belfry so was alarmed this had happened. She asked what names he had given them.

Doctor said "The girl is named Denise". The woman said that's nice...she actually liked that name. And "what name he my brother give the boy?".

The doctor said "Denephew."

Click to expand...

Same set-up but woman was Hispanic and Brother was a fireman...names? José and...................................Hose B

Few people have come to know the “true” story of the origin of Sinko de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight.

A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

An Australian tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness'. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the Australian, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

A woman walked into the kitchen
to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing she asked.
Shunting flies," he replied.
*Oh, killed any?" she said.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females,"
came the answer. intrigued,
the wife asked,
"How can you tell them apart?"
Husband: "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.''

I hate it when cashiers feel like they have to examine my money to make sure it is not counterfeit. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be buying crap at the Dollar Store.



Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. There will be an express lane for people with 12 teeth or less.



Proof positive that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas: Anywhere else, and it would have been named the “teethbrush.”



A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his gut. "That's not going to help," she said. "Sure it does," he replied. "This way, I can see the numbers."



This morning I accidentally used the dog's shampoo. I feel like such a good boy.



110 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned.



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.



So, I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR? I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet.” Everyone laughed -- except this one guy.



I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell orange and you asked, “The fruit or the color?” it kinda’ caught me off-guard.



Young guy: Please bring me a screwdriver. Girlfriend: Flathead, Phillips, Robertson or vodka? And, that was when he knew she was the one.



Never ask Google for medical advice. I've gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in just three clicks.



Finally fixed that annoying sound in my car. I just opened the door and pushed her out.

Inspired from Bill Maher

"I left my heart in San Francisco.....along with my iPhone and wallet".





https://www.sfgate.com/local-donotu...eves-note-mission-12878741.php#photo-15485449

OM

Yep, last year was a bad year for car owners in San Francisco. Some owners were leaving their cars unlocked and open to avoid the cost or having to repair their car. Haven't heard much about break ins lately, but that may only mean they are being reported by the press.

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2021/12/17/san-francisco-drivers-leave-trunks-open-as-car-break-ins-surge/

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.,

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.