I'm ready for more jokes.

[tomhohing]

Two Hunters...

Two hunters are walking through the woods and come upon a large hole in the ground, pitch black. One of them tosses a stone in and says “I didn’t hear it hit!” The other hunter says “I know, help me with this rusty old anvil and we can toss it down there.” So they drop it in and seconds later this goat, going like 80 miles an hour, shoots past them and down the hole. Just then they hear calls of “Becky? Becky?”. A farmer comes out of the woods and asks “Did you guys see a goat around here?” The hunter says “Yeah! it just went down that hole!” the farmer replies “That’s impossible! I had her chained to an anvil!”

 

[akbeemer]

 

[ksdcr]

It's the little things that exasperate God with us...

God asks St. Francis, patron of nature and flowers, "What happened to all the beautiful flowers that he worked so hard on to be self-sustaining?"

"It's a tribe that settled there called the Suburbanites. They exterminated your flowers as weeds to replace them with grass."

"Grass? But that doesn't attract butterflies and bees, only worms. It doesn't endure well. It's boring."

"Nevertheless, they work hard to keep it that way. They fertilize the grass every spring while poisoning any other plants on their lawns."

"At least it grows fast in spring, that should make the Suburbanites happy."

St. Francis winces. "Apparently not, Lord. They cut it regularly, sometimes twice a week."

"And bale it like hay?"

"Most of them rake it up and put it in bags for disposal."

"They sell it?"

"No, Lord. They pay others to take it away."

God sighs. "I want to be sure I understood you correctly. You're saying they fertilize grass so that it will grow, but when it does grow, they cut it and pay others to take it away?"

"Yes, Lord."

God throws up his hands. "Well at least they must be relieved when summer comes along so that the lack of rain slows the growth."

"Actually, Lord, they pay money to water it so that they can continue to cut it and have it carted away."

God strains to look down on this madness he hears described. "At least they kept some of the trees. Those grow leaves in the spring and provide shade in the summer. Then they fall to the ground in the fall to form a natural blanket, one of my more brilliant ideas if I say so myself."

"Actually, Lord, the Suburbanites rake up the leaves, and then pay to have them taken away as well."

"How to the protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter, and moisture in the soil?"

"After paying to have the leaves thrown away, then then go out and pay for mulch, which they then spread around in place of the leaves."

"Mulch? I don't remember creating that."

"They make it from trees cut down and then grind up."

There is a long silence (which lasts a long time in Heaven) as God just blinks at him, and then looks down on the world again in disbelief. Finally, He waves it off. "ENOUGH! I don't want to think about it anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the Arts. What are you going to show us tonight?"

"A movie called Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about..."

"Never mind, I think I just heard the entire plot from St. Francis."

 

[gsaddict]

Beautiful!

 

[classicvw]

Maybe he needs a little help with his balance issue?

 

[ksdcr]

One snowy morning Putin looks out of his front door to see that someone has peed a message into the snow: "Putin is a a$$hat."

Justifiably outraged, he summons a crack team of investigators to determine the culprit.

A couple of days later, the lead scientific investigator tells him "We have some good news, and some not-so-good news. Mr Putin."

"First, the good - we obtain DNA sample from urine in snow, and it has matched with leader of opposition political party, he is being detained."

"The not-so-good news: Handwriting expert has determined that message is in your wife's handwriting."

 

[akbeemer]

For the Ural owners…..

 

[ksdcr]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

[20774]

This is why Shetland ponies never caught on in Wyoming!

 

[ksdcr]

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning. He realized that it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day and decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him. Then he headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! About this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight toward the pin, dropped just short of it, and rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE-IN-ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?! The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

 

[akbeemer]

 

[exgman]

 

[bullet]

Here is how to distinguish Elon Musk’s new X.com from 1994 computer strategy gaming classic XCOM:
One involves a brave struggle against freakish, hideous alien intelligence seeking to undermine world civilization with advanced technology
and the other is a computer game.

 

[20774]

Some things to ponder!

- I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

- As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of two things: It will be misspelled, and it will have no punctuation.

- I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

- I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

 

[classicvw]

You know you’re old when… You hear your favorite song in an elevator…

You know you’re old when… You’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police..

You know you’re old when… You recall when the Dead Sea was just sick…

You know you’re old when… People start saying how good you look…

 

[omega man]

I was born male.

I identify as male.

Why does Stouffer foods consider me a family of 4?



OM

 

[ksdcr]

A man walks into a bar and it is empty except for him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. Soon he hears a quiet voice say "My that's a beautiful tie". He looks around but sees no one there but the bartender. Next he hears a quiet voice say "Great color match to that shirt too". He looks around again but no one there except the bartender. He asks the bartender if he said anything. The bartender said "No, oh wait, that's the peanuts talking. They are complimentary".

 

[fmdualexhaust]

The abbreviated version.

Bride and groom are late for their wedding.
Everyone is worried.
Suddenly they burst into the church and go to their attendants.

The groom is high-fiving all of his buddies.
"I just got the BJ of my life!"

The bride is high-fiving all of her friends.
"I just gave the last BJ of my life!"

 

[ksdcr]

 

[akbeemer]

A little too close to home?