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Thread: A little humor about BMWs from a BMW owner

  1. #1

    A little humor about BMWs from a BMW owner

    A bit of humor from "Yours Truly." Sometimes it good to laugh at and about ourselves.

    https://medium.com/@ibjaxon/how-to-b...t-8871bd4372fc

    I’ve been riding Beemers for 15 years. I’m a self-proclaimed master at my craft and an artisan of adventure riding. Haven’t heard of me? Well, that’s because I’m the person the professionals go to to get advice. Kinda like the Guru of self-absorbed BMW Owners. I have taken the dirt roads a few times, mapped many a rides I’ll never take, like a champ.

    I used to ride “other brands” but it didn’t reflect my ego or intellectual abilities as well as I needed. So I switched. I grew tired of people looking at me funny for riding Harleys with a helmet. I was just too skinny to ride them, my wife was just too attractive to be on the back. I needed a change and change I did. I get a real sense of pride riding Beemers and people looking at me and saying “What in the $*&$ is that?” Sometimes people say, “BMW makes motorcycles? WTH?”

    My expertise has reached the point of my wife saying “What! another motorcycle?” Not having enough space to store them or time to maintain them was always a goal of mine. I have arrived.

    I can’t tell you how many Starbucks I’ve seen in my travels or how many loaves of bread I’ve traveled miles to get to make sure I don’t cut the grass for the wife. Man I don’t even eat bread. I’m gluten intolerant because it’s really fashionable now. That’s not important. What’s important is that I “Look good doing it.”

    A lot of riders have practically begged me to share my wealth of knowledge. I can tell by their body language and cold, penetrating stares. They wanted it, but were afraid to ask. So I’ll make the first move.

    My follow up posts will cover things like:

    • Buying the most expensive farkles in the world from Toura-Tech, just to have them.
    • How to make a tip-over look like you planned it to test your engine guards.
    • How to build online shopping lists for things you’ll never actually buy at Revzilla.
    • Getting your wife to ride with you: How to reduce your begging time from 4 hours to 2 hours.
    • How to never be truly satisfied with any aftermarket seat. The search continues.
    • Mapping all Starbuck’s along your route in your Garmin.
    • Yes, wearing a Rallye suit for formal dinners is acceptable in some settings.
    • Prepping for your journey to your closest BMW Dealer.
    • How to truly look down on riders of Rotax singles & twins.
    • 90/10 tires are really for losers. I’ll show you how to criticize them effectively.
    • How to start a flame war by saying “Which Oil? Amsoil or Rotella?”
    • I’ll show you the best options for the most expensive auxiliary lights you’ll never actually use, except to demonstrate on YouTube videos.
    • CANBUS is now legal in all 50 States!
    • Which moto underwear is best to hide your love handles.
    • How to buy BMW Patches from China and sew it on cheap motorcycle gear to look like real Motorrad riding equipment.
    • How to avoid reading the FAQs on a forum and get to the “Meat and Taters” of finding out why your bike won’t start.
    • Where to order ADV stickers online to make your panniers look well traveled.
    • How to effectively describe why your bike won’t start on online forums by using key phrases like “Doesn’t start”, “Worked last year.”
    • Engine Maintenance? Bullocks! You only need seafoam and techtron. Those are tools of my trade.
    • How to ‘tickle the carbs’ on an old airhead bike without finding the hairy spot.
    • Reviews of those little plastic caps that cover the holes in the frames on a GS and which are better for touring.
    • The wet spots a K75S leave on the ground aren’t from the weep hole, but the women who melt when they’re around them.
    • A ride review of the 2018 G310GS that will be in dealers in 2022!
    • How Kratom, a herbal supplement, can be used to enhance your riding experience.
    • How to achieve a long lasting erection from a BMW heated seat worthy of a romantic night or a lawsuit. (Please don’t drink alcohol or use Cialis when using your heated seat.)
    • Bar vibrations making your mirrors shake? I’ll test bar end weights to reduce vibrations to get a closer shave.
    • Airbag vests: Getting that extra bounce.
    • If you're over 50 it doesn't matter which seat you have. Your bladder will need to be emptied before you get uncomfortable.
    • What to do when a PIAA owner shows up to a predominately "Clearwater Owners Group" meeting.


    Beemers owned: F800GT, R1200RT, R1200GS, K75S, F650GS, and with great shame, other brands that shall not be named.

  2. #2
    Registered User RIDERR1150GSADV's Avatar
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    Cool

    This has the makings of a fun thread...
    MOA # 108516
    Current ride 2017 R1200RT White
    Past rides '04 R1150RT, '05 K1200LT, '06 R1150GSA

  3. #3
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    Road grim

    I assume you will have a post covering how to make your bike look like it just got back from Deadhorse Alaska when it has only been out of your garage to go to Starbucks? Would also be helpful to have a post on getting the proper patina on newly applied stickers from the internet. Finally rally pins the procurement of pins without the bother of rallies.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by 179212 View Post
    I assume you will have a post covering how to make your bike look like it just got back from Deadhorse Alaska when it has only been out of your garage to go to Starbucks? Would also be helpful to have a post on getting the proper patina on newly applied stickers from the internet. Finally rally pins the procurement of pins without the bother of rallies.

    All good points.

  5. #5
    So true .
    Gail Thorne
    2017 F700GS

  6. #6
    Rocky Bow BMW Riders #197 bogthebasher's Avatar
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    Another great addition would be covering how to demonstrate your track prowess; highlighting your absolutely toasted tires. Accomplished by purchasing pre-used racing skins or by grinding off the chicken strips with a belt sander and bleach.
    Ken Dittrick
    2008 R1200RT (Biarritz Blau)

    Excuses are the rocks upon which our dreams are crushed - Tim Fargo

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by bogthebasher View Post
    Another great addition would be covering how to demonstrate your track prowess; highlighting your absolutely toasted tires. Accomplished by purchasing pre-used racing skins or by grinding off the chicken strips with a belt sander and bleach.
    Hahaha!

    Maybe a tip on leaving the bike on the center stand running to rack up the mileage awards?

  8. #8
    Prefers to play martinph's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bogthebasher View Post
    Another great addition would be covering how to demonstrate your track prowess; highlighting your absolutely toasted tires. Accomplished by purchasing pre-used racing skins or by grinding off the chicken strips with a belt sander and bleach.
    You seem well informed! Maybe a good idea as Alberta doesn't have any curves!
    Martin. BMW MOA Ambassador.17748
    BMW MOA Charter, Life member.
    Valley BMW Riders. British Columbia.

  9. #9
    Rocky Bow BMW Riders #197 bogthebasher's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by martinph View Post
    You seem well informed! Maybe a good idea as Alberta doesn't have any curves!
    OUCH! Caught me...
    Ken Dittrick
    2008 R1200RT (Biarritz Blau)

    Excuses are the rocks upon which our dreams are crushed - Tim Fargo

  10. #10
    Hahaha!
    Love it!
    Keep 'em coming...
    Bikers sure can be hilarious about their choices...
    dp

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