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  1. #1
    aka Johnny Hammerlane bullet's Avatar
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    Jun 2004
    Kawartha Lakes, Ontario, Canada

    All about Grits

    Everything you ever wanted to know about grits:

    What Are Grits?
    Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

    These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

    How Grits Are Formed:
    Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world‘«÷s grit mines are in the South, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).
    Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer‘«÷s Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

    Historical Grits:
    As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

    The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman‘«÷s personal diary. The woman‘«÷s name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

    The 10 Commandments of Grits
    I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
    II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
    III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy ..
    IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor‘«÷s Grits.
    V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
    VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
    VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
    VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
    IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
    X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

    How to Cook Grits:
    For one serving of Grits:
    Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. [Use milk and they are creamier!)
    Add 5 Tbsp of Grits.
    Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
    When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That‘«÷s all there is to cooking grits.

    How to make red eye gravy
    Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

    How to Eat Grits:
    Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

    In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause rotten teeth and impotence.

    Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10: 1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

    Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

    The correct beverages to serve with Grits is black coffee and Bloody Mary‘«÷s. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk). Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it‘«÷s cream of wheat.

    Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
    (Leftover grits are extremely rare)
    Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
    Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
    The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
    Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2″ of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
    Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

    May the Lord bless these grits,
    May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
    May I eat grits every day while living,
    And may I die while eating grits.

    All that being said, the only grits I've ever been able to find in the supermarkets are "quick grits".
    If anyone can tell me a good brand name of genuine, bona fide grits and where to find them I'd be appreciative.
    It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Virginia Beach
    Go to the Border Station on the way from Chesapeake, VA to NC (this would be if you were on your way to the Outer Banks). The store sets 1/2 way in NC and 1/2 in VA. There, you will find real yellow grits (unbleached like the white kind). The recipe is quite different and will take 1/2 hour to prepare. Closer, and now available in most upscale supermarkets with an organic section, you will find Red Mill organic grits (yes, yellow) with the subtitled name of Italian Polenta. These are about the same (not quite) as the yellow grits at the Border Station, and will also take 1/2 to prepare.
    Virginia Beach
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  3. #3
    Out There Somewhere ricochetrider's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
    Harrisburg, PA
    mmmm. grits.
    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

  4. #4
    Rally Rat
    Join Date
    May 2009
    along the wisconsin river here in central wisconsin
    WOW ,and here I thought we were talking about sand paper.

  5. #5
    Registered User
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    Dec 2008
    Belle Plaine, MN
    Now I'm hungry again!

  6. #6
    2011 R1200RT ka5ysy's Avatar
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    Oct 2006
    Prairieville, Louisiana
    Cheese Grits!

    Bullet: You live above the Grit Line. How did you find out about grits
    Doug, 2011 R1200RT Polar Metallic
    MSF #127350, Instructor, Louisiana Dept of Public Safety
    Motorcycle Safety, Awareness & Operator Training Program
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  7. #7
    Rally Rat
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Greenville, SC

    RE: All about Grits

    Jalapeno cheese grits.
    Sent from my Nokia Lumia 920 using Board Express

  8. #8
    Registered User argent brick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Wine Country, Northern California
    Now I want to try grits and I am not from the south!
    MOA #57883
    Current Ride: 1995 K75 Standard
    Past: 1978 Yamaha XS 750, 1976 BMW R60/6

  9. #9
    OldBMWMaster JDOCKERY132445's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Pleasure Island. NC

    Blue Ridge Parkway

    If you find yourself on the Blue Ridge Parkway, near Meadows of Dan, stop in at Mabry Mills and pick some up.
    Jerry Dockery
    309 N. 3rd. Ave.
    Kure Beach, NC 28449
    2009 R 1200 RT,1996 R1100RT, 1985 K100RS...too fast to believe.

  10. #10

    Regarding the Grit Reanimation Process

    [QUOTE=Bullet;862795]Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2″ of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

    Dear Bullet:

    My name is Jack Riepe (code name: Steel Mammoth), and I am writing directly in this BMW Forum for the first time ever. I am not quite sure of the protocols and I am using a dictation program that is highly critical of my writing style, personality, and choice of friends. Please forgive any unintentional deviations from the norm. I wanted to write a highly sensitive, informative, and complimentary comment to your statement. What comes out of this dictation program is anyone's guess.

    I am delighted that you took the trouble to demystify the origin and history of "the grit." In my native New Jersey (a state in which people are famous for their pleasant and trusting nature), grits are assumed to be one of the more edible parts of opossums, easily harvested after the animal's unsuccessful experiments with crossing a road. Your explanation and detailed background of the grit was compelling and inspirational. It had my mouth watering for grits. Not finding any in the kitchen, I had a rum and Coke instead, which was a great breakfast option when I was 19.

    I love grits. In my blog and in my column, I have celebrated the grit as one nature's most perfect foods. The southern breakfast is one of the most delightful expressions of culinary perfection one will encounter in the US or the world. (I would rather have breakfast in Alabama than sex in Moscow, but that is not exactly the same thing.) I have had grits in Tennessee, Alabama, North Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, and West Virginia (which is not quite south but two world's over from Pennsylvania.) For creation of the grit, southerners can be forgiven for the fried green tomato, which is the forerunner of the clay pigeon.

    You are quite right in exposing "Wheatina" and "Cream of Wheat" for the "good morning slap in the face" they are. Yet if northerners do not eat grits as a rule, and if southerners left the Union over the question of state's rights and instant grits, this begs the unspoken question, "Who eats instant grits anyway?"

    Not wishing to highjack this blog into an "oil thread," I timidly question one of your facts. Regarding the reanimation of the grit as a leftover, you advised, "Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2″ of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown." It is my understanding that everything in the deep south is fried in a deep puddle of lard. Lard is the rendered fat of a pig, left over after the children are through chewing the hides for clothing. I was told that lard is the preferred frying medium for chicken-fried steak, pork ears, collard greens, chitlins, corn bread, cat fish, opossum snouts, and yesterday's macaroni and cheese-flavored spackle. I'm assuming next day grits can only be improved by lard as well. Have I got this right? Culinary authenticity is my passion.

    I thought your piece on grits was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

    Jack Riepe
    AKA Steel Mammoth

  11. #11
    Intermediate Adventurer Newstar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Landenberg, PA

    Lard = Pig Butter

    Not to hijack this wonderful thread but since Jack mentioned Lard, I feel I must share a new delicacy, pig butter.

    Put some lard in a mixer with some finely minced onion, salt and pepper and whip it for 7-10 minutes. If that's not a cholesterol jolt, add a bit of chopped bacon bits. This, my friends, is heaven on a piece of toast!

  12. #12
    Registered User 36654's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Central PA
    Quote Originally Posted by Newstar View Post
    Not to hijack this wonderful thread but since Jack mentioned Lard, I feel I must share a new delicacy, pig butter.

    Put some lard in a mixer with some finely minced onion, salt and pepper and whip it for 7-10 minutes. If that's not a cholesterol jolt, add a bit of chopped bacon bits. This, my friends, is heaven on a piece of toast!
    AKA Schmutz..........or, grease trap pate
    Cave contents: 16 R12RS, 13 Toyota Tacoma, 03 Simplicity Legacy, 97 Stihl FS75, Dewalt DW625 & SawStop PCS175
    1) My expectations are never low enough & 2) Incompetence is infinite ........David Brooks

  13. #13


    Dear 36654:

    I once found myself in a country tavern overlooking the Rhein. It was a traditional sort of place where social events just needed a good putsch. Simple heavy planked tables bore the stein rings of Olympic drinking bouts and held huge plates of coarse rye bread, accompanied by crocks filled with something that I thought was sweet butter. This substance was the color and consistency of shortening. No stranger to most indigenous food, I spread some on my bread and ate it with gusto. My German host looked on with amazement.

    He explained I was eating "Schmaltz," or clarified goose fat. Germany is another one of those places where they eat every part of an animal, except the noise it makes. I thought the schmaltz was okay. Your recipe for pig butter sounds like something similar. It even has a similar name. I have had cracklin' but again, I was in the deep south. The depression and the years following the war between the states got people eating anything. I once saw a starving southern belle swallow a whole political speech ‘«Ų promises, lies and all ‘«Ų after it had been fried in lard. Never underestimate the power of pig fat.

    Jack Riepe/ AKA Steel Mammoth

  14. #14
    IBA #44567 Ken F's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    SW, MO
    Ah Jack, good to see you here finally!

    IBA #44567 Pres. Springfield BMW Roadriders
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
    -Albert Eienstein

  15. #15

    To LVermiere

    Dear LVermiere:

    That was a very nice thing to say. Thank you. I'm afraid I let you down this month, though. I missed the deadline for my column in the March issue owing to circumstances. I developed a flat spot on the back of my head. Turns out it was caused by a former wife who whacked me with a frying pan . She is still pissed about the microwave I gave her mother one Christmas. Her mom had a pacemaker and I had removed the seal from the microwave's door. (I thought her mom was a good dancer naturally.)

    I am trying to get Vince to post a replacement column on the MOA website so it can at least be read electronically. Then again, I am posting for the first time in a month on Twisted Roads (my blog ‘«Ų late tomorrow. That's like a column, except a bit more pointed.

    Jack Riepe/Steel Mammoth

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