-
Welcome, Guest! We hope you enjoy the excellent technical knowledge, event information and discussions that the BMW MOA forum provides. Some forum content will be hidden from you if you remain logged out. If you want to view all content, please click the 'Log in' button above and enter your BMW MOA username and password. If you are not an MOA member, why not take the time to join the club, so you can enjoy posting on the forum, the BMW Owners News magazine, and all of the discounts and benefits the BMW MOA offers?
-
Beginning April 1st, and running through April 30th, there is a new 2024 BMW MOA Election discussion area within The Club section of the forum. Within this forum area is also a sticky post that provides the ground rules for participating in the Election forum area. Also, the candidates statements are provided. Please read before joining the conversation, because the rules are very specific to maintain civility.
The Election forum is here: Election Forum
I'm ready for more jokes.
- Thread starter oldhway
- Start date
globalrider
Alps Adventurer
AMERICANO = NOT COFFEE
That is what an Italian friend told me when we stopped at a coffee shop here. Having had coffee in Italy, I'd have to agree.
ksdcr
Member
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
__________________
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
__________________
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
There's really no natural limits to how much people will pay for "premium" products if they are spending disposable income in pursuit of a passion.
ksdcr
Member
The young husband is in the garage polishing his E Type (name your car/ motorbike)
and the young wife comes in and says:
“Gee dear. Now that we’re married perhaps we should sell the Jag and get a more practical car.”
The husband keeps polishing and without looking up says; “Gosh dear, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife”.
“You didn’t tell me you were married before!” she exclaimed.
“I wasn’t,” he responded.
and the young wife comes in and says:
“Gee dear. Now that we’re married perhaps we should sell the Jag and get a more practical car.”
The husband keeps polishing and without looking up says; “Gosh dear, you’re beginning to sound like my ex-wife”.
“You didn’t tell me you were married before!” she exclaimed.
“I wasn’t,” he responded.
Last edited:
ksdcr
Member
TIPS FROM THE WONDER LAKE BOOK OF MANNERS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
All the DNA is the same.
There are no dental records.
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
All the DNA is the same.
There are no dental records.
exgman
Active member
Jokes About Aging...
Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 16 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.
Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.
There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”
Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day!
Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 16 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.
Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.
There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”
Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day!
Similar threads
