I'm ready for more jokes.

Daddy Calls Home

"Hello," says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey."

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy."

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."

"Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead too."

There is a very long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

A neighbor got this picture of the Chinese “weather balloon” as it passed over one of our neighborhood ballistic missile silos….

One from column A and one from column B...
no Door Dash?
Hope the driver isn't expecting a tip.

That's not classified - the restaurant even put their logo on the box!

How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?
A half an hour…

RIDERR1150GSADV said:

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Hahahaha! You made me laugh.

RIDERR1150GSADV said:

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What, no tats??


Best,
DeVern

.

OM

For Sure!!!

So there I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.



"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."



"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.



When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.



I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.



I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!!



But enough about me, how's your day going ?
__________________

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

99 Red Balloons 1984 - by Nina Making a comeback

Seen over Canada

GSAddict said:

Seen over Canada

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Thanks for making my day.

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