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I'm ready for more jokes.
- Thread starter oldhway
- Start date
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
No worries, drill/tap the hole for a larger bolt, and all will be fine.
fmdualexhaust
Member
Along the same theme, check out this poor bastard.
https://www.ninetowners.com/threads/i-think-i-just-terminally-broke-my-engine.152121/
https://www.ninetowners.com/threads/i-think-i-just-terminally-broke-my-engine.152121/
bigjohnsd
'21 R1250 GS Adv
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street.
They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty.....
So, the four servicemen asked him, “Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?” Saint Peter replied, “I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth, and welcome to Heaven. Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their question.
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters's shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm Regards,
GOD, USN, Retired
They were hit by the truck and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty.....
So, the four servicemen asked him, “Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?” Saint Peter replied, “I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth, and welcome to Heaven. Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their question.
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters's shoulder. In the dove’s beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY
TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm Regards,
GOD, USN, Retired
88bmwjeff
SF Bay Area
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you keep your mouth shut for once.”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damnit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And, I noticed you’re not wearing your seatbelt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over, so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t’ have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seatbelt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
The woman replies, “Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you keep your mouth shut for once.”
The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damnit, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And, I noticed you’re not wearing your seatbelt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over, so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t’ have your seatbelt on. You never wear your seatbelt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
The woman replies, “Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he’s been drinking.”
classicvw
Active member
Good one, Jeff!
True story. I’m a retired LEO. When I was single, I lived with my sister and bro-in-law a year or two to help them build a barn and do other work on their rural property. My parents were pulled over for speeding on the way to visit us, fairly close to our town. While the officer was speaking to my father, my mother interjected “We’re on our way to visit our son, who’s also a police officer. But he works in a busy, dangerous city, not out here in the quiet like you do.” She thought she was helping out my father in the speeding situation. The officer just smirked and gave my father a sympathetic, knowing look and let him off.
True story. I’m a retired LEO. When I was single, I lived with my sister and bro-in-law a year or two to help them build a barn and do other work on their rural property. My parents were pulled over for speeding on the way to visit us, fairly close to our town. While the officer was speaking to my father, my mother interjected “We’re on our way to visit our son, who’s also a police officer. But he works in a busy, dangerous city, not out here in the quiet like you do.” She thought she was helping out my father in the speeding situation. The officer just smirked and gave my father a sympathetic, knowing look and let him off.
bigjohnsd
'21 R1250 GS Adv
A man was riding his motorcycle along the busy M6 when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The rider pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to The Isle of Man so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Irish Sea and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The rider thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, and why
she cries, and what she means when she says nothing's wrong, how I can make a Woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The rider pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to The Isle of Man so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Irish Sea and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The rider thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, and why
she cries, and what she means when she says nothing's wrong, how I can make a Woman truly happy?'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
gsinnc
Well-known member
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?
rangerreece
RangerReece
Ed… that’s a good one and rings so familiar in my ears for some reason.
gsinnc
Well-known member
Oops ... did I post a duplicate? Hey .... I'm old and my memory is not good. And I'm old and my memory is not good.
rangerreece
RangerReece
No, first time reading. It was very funny, because it reminded me so much of my
“barber”.
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
Oldies but goodies:
Friday Pilots Pat Halloran and Tom Keck in their SR-71s, "Yeah, though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 Ft. and climbing".
You can only tie the record for flying low.
Scientific fact: the rings of Saturn are composed of lost airline luggage.
As George Carlin said, "if black boxes survive crashes, why don't they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?"
What is the worst thing that can happen when you are flying? - running out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
Friday Pilots Pat Halloran and Tom Keck in their SR-71s, "Yeah, though I fly through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 Ft. and climbing".
You can only tie the record for flying low.
Scientific fact: the rings of Saturn are composed of lost airline luggage.
As George Carlin said, "if black boxes survive crashes, why don't they make the whole airplane out of that stuff?"
What is the worst thing that can happen when you are flying? - running out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
Anyname
Active member
That must be why vehicles now have always on headlights!
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