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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #751
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    I am thinking you will see this again!Image-1.jpg

  2. #752
    Watch This!!! junkjohn's Avatar
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    A man leaves home on foot one evening, makes three left turns and arrives back home to find two masked men waiting there.
    Who are they?
    John Simonds
    2017 R 1200 GS Adventure
    1975 Norton Commando 850 Roadster Mk 3
    If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

  3. #753
    Registered User GTRider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by junkjohn View Post
    A man leaves home on foot one evening, makes three left turns and arrives back home to find two masked men waiting there.
    Who are they?
    Nurses at his nursing home?

    GTRider
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  4. #754
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

    One knight called his best friend over to his quarters and said, “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in five years.”

    The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

    Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend. When he caught his breath, he exclaimed, “You gave me the wrong key!!”
    Walter

    "Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." Mark Twain

  5. #755
    Watch This!!! junkjohn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GTRider View Post
    Nurses at his nursing home?

    GTRider
    The catcher and the Umpire.
    John Simonds
    2017 R 1200 GS Adventure
    1975 Norton Commando 850 Roadster Mk 3
    If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

  6. #756
    Registered User GTRider's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by junkjohn View Post
    The catcher and the Umpire.


    Paying my dues for not being much of a team sports fan, I guess.

    DG
    DGerber
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  7. #757
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    A mother was teaching her young daughter how to roast a turkey for Thanksgiving Dinner. She finished by saying “ and you cut this part off before putting it in the pan”. To which the young daughter asked “why do you cut that part off ?”. The mother replied that she didn’t know why, but that’s the way she was taught. She thought for a moment and said “we need to ask my Mother”.

    They asked the young girls Grandmother and she said she didn’t know why either, but that’s the way she learned to do it too.

    Then the Grandmother said “we will ask my Mother when she gets here”. So when the young girls Great Grandmother arrived they all asked her why she cut that piece of the turkey off before putting it in the pan.

    She replied “ It wouldn’t fit in the pan “.

  8. #758
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    A man saw a little boy who had fixed up his wagon like a fire truck and his dog was pulling it.

    The man said “You could probably go a lot faster if you didn’t have that string tied to your dogs testicles”.

    To which the little boy replied “That’s true but then I wouldn’t have a siren”.


    Charlie

  9. #759
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

    “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

    “Don’t worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, and then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just grab your throat, shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack.”

    So that night, Andy knocks at Shirley’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy’s about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her throat and shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”
    Walter

    "Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." Mark Twain

  10. #760
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Halloween

    I was walking home last night and decided to take a short-cut through the cemetery.

    Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were too scared to walk near the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let let them walk along with me. I told them, "I understand... I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

    Never seen anyone run so fast.

  11. #761
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    ...

    [ATTACH=CONFIG]
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    Kevin
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    2018 Ural Gear Up, 2017 R1200GSA

  12. #762
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  13. #763
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about
    this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

    She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
    Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The
    first is that I iron better than you."
    Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
    Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
    Wife: "Oh yeah?"
    Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
    Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
    Maria: "Jor hozban did."
    Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
    Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
    bed."
    Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my
    husband say that as well?"
    Maria: "No Señora. The gardener did."
    Wife: "So how much do you want?"
    Walter

    "Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it." Mark Twain

  14. #764
    Rally Rat
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    Smile Motorcycle Sales!

    Apparently all the Baby-Boomers now have their motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
    Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

    1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

    2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

    3. Can't use both hands to eat while driving.

    4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

    5. Don't have enough muscle tone to hold the bike up when stopped.

    6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need free emergency care.

    7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

    8. They can't afford one because they spent 4-6 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies, Art History, Binary Neutrality or Gender Studies, for which no jobs exist.

    9. They are allergic to fresh air.

    10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

    11. They might get their hands dirty checking the 'evil' oil.

    12. The handle bars have buttons and levers that cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

    13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch?

    14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

    15. They don't come with training wheels.

    16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

    17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

    18. They would actually have to use leg muscles to back up.

    19. When stopped, they can't risk a light breeze blowing any exhaust in their face.

    20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

    21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

    22. Can't get the motorcycle down the stairs to their parents' basement.

  15. #765
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    Meow

    Re-post do not know who to credit

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