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I'm ready for more jokes.

How the fights started....

HOW THE FIGHTS STARTED....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer; always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds "
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
 
The Atheist!


An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the accidents evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried: "Oh my God..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

....And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
 
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
 
For women only

New Medications for Women Only

D A M N I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
to 8 hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

P E N I C I L L I N: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can
we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T: When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself
 
What Size??

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor..
.

.

.

.

"We're getting granite countertops."


Ralph Sims
 
Jesus at the Pearly Gates

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
 
A lawyer is struck dead at the tender age of 30. At the pearly gates he pleads that he is too young to die. St Peter looks at his list and replies "according to you billable hours you just turned 93"
 
Seniors Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little
old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

! And the best one for last...!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel,
sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

! And the best one for last...!

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel,
sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Thanks, that was great.
 
A tough looking biker was riding his Victory

when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge

so he stops.



"What are you doing?" he asks.



"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.



While he did not want to appear insensitive, he

didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"



So, she does.



After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was

the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent

you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you

committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
 
Little johnny strikes again.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Debbie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.
 
Mistaken Identity

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
 
Why to move from California to Arizona !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tale of a Coyote

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a

nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his

dog......killing it.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"

and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is

natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the

State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the

State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game

conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous

animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote

awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat

rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack

somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new

security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the

State.



Arizona. The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature

trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps

jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, boys and girls, is why California is broke ................ And

more importantly, why too much government doesn't work.
 
Sorry, buzzards and coyotes aren't kosher (since they are scavengers). :eat

But it's an accurate picture of how the state has been run...
 
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