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I'm ready for more jokes.
- Thread starter oldhway
- Start date
pglaves
#13338
6322
Member
Can't be a rally Paul, there isn't a Kermit chair in the bunch.Look at the hats, name tags, and T shirts. That had to be at a rally somewhere.
pglaves
#13338
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
Humor for Those of Us Sheltering in Place
Humor for Those of Us Sheltering in Place. Freely liberated from somewhere else on the Internet:
* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
* Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living-room.
* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
* Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
Humor for Those of Us Sheltering in Place. Freely liberated from somewhere else on the Internet:
* Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
* I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
* Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living-room.
* Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
* Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.
MCMXCIVRS
More toys than space
* I can't pass a hand sanitizer dispensor in a public place without using some. I think my hands have become alchoholics.
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
Excellent addition to the list!
** Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
** Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
And this which might explain why there's a bit of feistiness on the forum for the last month!
** No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
** Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
And this which might explain why there's a bit of feistiness on the forum for the last month!
** No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
gsinnc
Well-known member
My Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary:
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidently touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals led the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
(Taken from a post by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper)
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of Wine. I fear wine supplies might not last
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m So excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have No clue how this place is still in business.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going Bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a Spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidently touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals led the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 15 – Anybody else feel like they’ve cooked dinner about 395 times this month?
(Taken from a post by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper)
akbeemer
SURVIVOR
The "Rona"
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver.... five types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months of provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is fretting & angry because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft “no go zone line” from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.
3) Lisa:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule, and never misses the opportunity to report people she believes are not properly complying with stay-at-home orders and social distancing requirements. She also types long rants about people not social distancing on Facebook. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Target, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chick-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her a second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.
:
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver.... five types of customers since the “rona”:
1) Steve:
He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months of provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo.
Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad:
He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is fretting & angry because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft “no go zone line” from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape.
Brad will not survive.
Steve will probably eat him.
3) Lisa:
She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule, and never misses the opportunity to report people she believes are not properly complying with stay-at-home orders and social distancing requirements. She also types long rants about people not social distancing on Facebook. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper.
She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen:
She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Target, Walmart, Publix, McDonalds, Chick-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her.
Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary:
Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her a second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days.
Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
May God have mercy on us all.
:
gregfeeler
Dances With Sheep
pglaves
#13338
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the local Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas
somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. (I know, a tear is coming to my eye too)
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife
and I joined the local Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though
6322
Member
Social distancing?
pglaves
#13338
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