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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #616
    Pepperfool GSAddict's Avatar
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    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

    Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

    'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
    '
    Ufda happens..........

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  2. #617
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    senior v lawyer

    Why is it illegal to pay a sex worker in France but not illegal to pay a lawyer?

  3. #618
    Registered User Anyname's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 179212 View Post
    Why is it illegal to pay a sex worker in France but not illegal to pay a lawyer?
    Because nobody actually wants to get screwed by a lawyer?
    BMW R bike rider, horizontally opposed to everything...

  4. #619
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the calendar thief?
    He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.

    What happens if life gives you melons?
    You're dyslexic.

  5. #620
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    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

    Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

    London Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

    London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

    London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.

    If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

    Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says,
    "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?
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  6. #621
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    It Is Test Time

    Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions


    It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.



    Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.



    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


    1. What do you put in a toaster?













    Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else Ö Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




    2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















    Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
    However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?











    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







    4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
    You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
    Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?






    Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own age?
    It was YOU driving the bus!! (Go back and look!).
    If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
    PS: most people fail most of the questions!!

  7. #622
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Watch out for us bikers

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.











    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

    'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off ​all of you​!'



    St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

    'Couple of minutes ago.'

  8. #623
    Out There Somewhere ricochetrider's Avatar
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    Hear about the guy who had sex with a dwarf on an elevator?
    It was wrong on many levels.

    Then there was the guy who was addicted to drinking brake fluid.
    Claimed he could stop any time.

    Why did Beethoven kill his chickens?
    Because they kept going, "Bach Bach Bach".

    A guy applied for job at he circus. Circus Master asked,
    "What exactly is it you want to do for the circus?"
    Guy says, "I want to be the man who gets shot out of the cannon!"
    Circus Master looks him up & down, and says,
    "I'm sorry, sir. You're not the caliber of man we're looking for."
    Last edited by ricochetrider; 04-28-2016 at 03:13 PM.
    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

  9. #624
    MTHelmet MTHelmet's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by bullit7801 View Post
    One thing the average forum reader, poster, lurker can do to help out the moderation team is to use the report post feature. At the lower left of each post is an excalmation square (!) and if you click on it, you can send a message to the moderation team. Your report has the space to say why you think the post is "out of bounds" based on the forum rules. You can use this or just flag the post. If more readers used this feature, it would make the moderation job easier, and might avoid the necessity of closing the whole thread.

    I almost reported one of the last jokes that I felt was "out of bounds" but didn't because I am on the BoD and we have agreed not to become involved with the running of the forum.

    Thanks,

    tb
    BS: You are a member first and on the BOD second. You have the same right as everyone else. You just have more say in the board room.
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  10. #625
    Rally Rat
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    Smile

    Great Friends - Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
    When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

    One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.' Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Leo passed on.

    A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '
    'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
    'Leo--it's me, Leo'
    'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'
    'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice.

    'Leo! Where are you?'
    'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
    'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank

    'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

    'That's fantastic, 'said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

    'You're pitching Tuesday.'

  11. #626
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    Smile

    A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university:
    "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
    However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

    And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their fatherís time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

    First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

    Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

    Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

    He later went on to become a member of Congress...

  12. #627
    Registered User ExGMan's Avatar
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    A guy was driving along on a dark road on a rainy night. As he was passing an area with a high chain-link fence with razor wire on its top, he got a flat tire.

    He got out, checked the tire, then pulled out the jack and went to work. After he'd jacked up the car, he began to remove the lug nuts. As he took them off, he placed them carefully on the ground beside him. However, what he didn't see was that he was putting them into a sewer grate, and not on the ground.

    He got out the spare, then looked for the lug nuts, but of course, didn't find them.

    He suddenly had this feeling that someone was watching him. He turned around and saw a man standing behind the high fence. He also noticed that there was a sign on the fence: "State Mental Hospital."

    As he looked at the man, the guy suddenly spoke up and said: "You've got a problem. Why don't you take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels, and put the spare on with those three. Then you could drive slowly to a garage and get everything fixed.

    Thinking about it, the driver thought this was a good idea. But then he said to the guy: "Wait a second. You're in there. How did you figure out how to do this?"

    In response the man behind the fence said: "Hey, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"
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  13. #628
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    Not sure if video jokes are in keeping with the organic nature of this thread, but this one is a peach:


  14. #629
    Registered User 88bmwjeff's Avatar
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    NAG NAG NAG

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
    Jeff in W.C.
    1988 R100 RT (the other woman)
    "I got my motorcycle jacket but I'm walking all the time." Joe Strummer

  15. #630
    Registered User 88bmwjeff's Avatar
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    ''That woman actor, Reece something was stabbed.''

    ''Witherspoon ?''

    ''No, a knife.'''

    __________________________________________________ ______________________________


    Two boys decide to gather up some pecans that have fallen from the trees at a local cemetery. After they have collected a fairly large amount, they settle down in the shade behind one of the monuments to divide up their bounty. As they pour their pecans out of the buckets to make a large pile, several of the pecans roll down the slope and come to rest near the fence of the cemetery.

    The boys begin dividing up the pecans with the time honored tradition of "One for you...one for me....one for you....one for me."

    Another boy happens along, riding his bicycle past the cemetery when he suddenly hears the voices of the two boys. Unable to see anyone, as the two are behind a monument, he pauses a moment and to his horror believes that God and the Devil are in the cemetery, dividing up souls!

    Terrified, he takes off as fast as he can, pedaling as though his life depends on it!

    After a short distance, he comes across an old farmer hobbling along the road with the use of a cane. He screeches to a halt and babbles about God and the Devil in the cemetery and begs the old man to come see for himself. "I'm old and I don't move anywhere in a hurry, young'n...but since you seem genuinely scared, I'll go back to the cemetery with you to show you there is nothing to fear."

    So the two of them go to the cemetery, and stop by the fence to listen. From within the cemetery they hear the disembodied voices steadily counting "One for you, one for me...one for you, one for me..."

    The hair on the back of the old man's neck stand up as he realizes the boy was right. Still, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he leans down and whispers to the boy "Let's see if we can get closer and see God and the Devil, boy."

    The boy swallows nervously but nods his head. Cautiously they approach the gate, straining to be as quiet as possible.

    Suddenly, from within the cemetery they hear one of the voices say "Well, that takes care of these...now let's get those nuts down by the fence and we are all done here!"

    They say the old guy had about a two-hundred yard lead down the road until the boy finally passed him on his bicycle.....
    Jeff in W.C.
    1988 R100 RT (the other woman)
    "I got my motorcycle jacket but I'm walking all the time." Joe Strummer

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