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I'm ready for more jokes.
- Thread starter oldhway
- Start date
WalterK75
Active member
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The
first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my
husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora. The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The
first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, "And did my
husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora. The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
greenwald
New member
Motorcycle Sales!
Apparently all the Baby-Boomers now have their motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use both hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle tone to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need free emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 4-6 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies, Art History, Binary Neutrality or Gender Studies, for which no jobs exist.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the 'evil' oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers that cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch?
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would actually have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, they can't risk a light breeze blowing any exhaust in their face.
20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the stairs to their parents' basement.
Apparently all the Baby-Boomers now have their motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use both hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle tone to hold the bike up when stopped.
6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need free emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 4-6 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies, Art History, Binary Neutrality or Gender Studies, for which no jobs exist.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the 'evil' oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers that cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch?
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would actually have to use leg muscles to back up.
19. When stopped, they can't risk a light breeze blowing any exhaust in their face.
20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the stairs to their parents' basement.
WalterK75
Active member
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room at a doctor’s office and approached the desk.
The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.
‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.
Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out and came back again after a moment.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.
‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
The young receptionist asked, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.’
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ replied the man.
‘You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something,’ came back the annoyed receptionist.
Wanting to teach the old man a lesson, she suggested, ‘Why don’t you leave the room, come back again and do this the right way.’ The man turned around, walked out and came back again after a moment.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated loudly.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had learned the lesson.
‘What is wrong with your ear, Sir?’ she asked.
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held in a locked vault.
Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk.
The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing;“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk, with tears in his eyes, replies; “The word is ‘celebrate’!”
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are
held in a locked vault.
Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk.
The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing;“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk, with tears in his eyes, replies; “The word is ‘celebrate’!”
WalterK75
Active member
Mistaken identity
A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
KNEE JERK REACTIONS
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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