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I'm ready for more jokes.

Killer Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female refused to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
 
Shirley and Mercy

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
 
BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

HAPPY (Belated) THANKSGIVING!
 
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."
 
Singing the Blues

Lifted from an FjR forum.....

THE DUDE'S BLUES PRIMER

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes . .. . sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch-ain't no way out.

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. (Well, except maybe Johnny Lang)
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any places
that don't get rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; B) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; B)
Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than
dirt; B) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be
satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; B) You were once blind but
now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust
fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; B) Whiskey or
bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT
Blues beverages: a) Perrier; B) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or getting liposuction.

16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; B) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat
River Dumpling

17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; B) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big
Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson,Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't
sing or play the blues.
 
The brain is a wonderful organ. It works 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year from birth till the day you fall in love.
 
Fred: What did you get your wife for Christmas?

Ned: She told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

Fred: So you got her diamonds?

Ned: No, I got her nothing.
 
Berke Breathed

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The Author graced the cover of our website a couple of years ago, much to the chagrin of the, “stay off my lawn” crowd, as I recall.

Love me some Berke Breathed. He’s the Gary Trudeau of us Generation X’ers.
 
Old Doc Geezer

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.
 
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
 
Wordplay

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The bartender replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the bartender answers.
"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?" asks the bartender.

"The steaks are too high."
 
Travel

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.



I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. Lots of fun!




I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my spouse, children, friends, family and work.



I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore, especially with heights.





I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.



I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.





Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.



One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!





I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
 
Little Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes", said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
 
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who
owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split
everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning
and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with
the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
(which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were
mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow
morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, " Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in
the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon. And one
of them is honking the horn."
 
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