I'm ready for more jokes.

Hey, everyone knows about the big numerical codes painted on Navy ships, which tell you the class of the ship, which fleet it belongs to, etc? Did you hear that the Norwegian Navy has gone to bar codes on their ships instead of a numerical classification system? The biggest benefit is that, when their ships come into port, they can....


...wait for it....


scan da navy in.

What did you learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.
Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"
"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the clerk replied.
“That’s good,” the boss said.
“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Taxi

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A short psychic broke out of jail, would that be a Small Medium at Large?

Another closely held belief down the drain......

akbeemer said:

Another closely held belief down the drain......

View attachment 63268

Click to expand...

Could be the psychotherapist's bike.

Too political?

THE KING'S WEATHER FORECASTER
*
*
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather
forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.* The palace
meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
*
So the king and the queen went fishing.* On the way he met
a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked
the man if the fish were biting.
*
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the
palace!* In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
*
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
regard.* He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages.* He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him."
*
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time
a torrential rain fell from the sky.* The King and Queen were
totally soaked.
*
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order
to fire the meteorologist.* Then he summoned the fisherman
and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
*
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything
about forecasting.* I obtain my information from my donkey.*
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty
that ... it will rain."
*
So the king hired the donkey.
*
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in
influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken
to this date.
*
The end.
*
*

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers:
"Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Nothing.
Wife: You did that yesterday.
Me: I wasn't finished.

Oldie But Goodie

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need.
$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on


Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Who's on first?

Lou Costello would smile...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”

Joke thread gone?

Just looking to post a joke in the old joke thread but it seems to have disappeared...
at the risk of angering the you-know-who...

Did you hear about the old man & woman who met in the Old Folks Home and fell in love?
On the night they consummated their relationship, as they were climbing into bed, she said tentatively,

"Before we begin, I must tell you I have acute angina."

To which Mr Sensitive replied,

"That's good cuz them b**bies ain't much to look at."

It is unsure where the relationship went from here....

ricochetrider said:

Just looking to post a joke in the old joke thread but it seems to have disappeared...
at the risk of angering the you-know-who...

Did you hear about the old man & woman whom in the Old Folks Home and fell in love?
On the night they consummated their relationship, as they were climbing into bed, she said tentatively,

"Before we begin, I must tell you I have acute angina."

To which Mr Sensitive replied,

"That's good cuz them b**bies ain't much to look at."

It is unsure where the relationship went from here....

Click to expand...

Nope- you hasta go to the next page- https://forums.bmwmoa.org/showthread.php?49612-I-m-ready-for-more-jokes
I'll move this over shortly.
OM

I guess the risk of angering the you-know-who’s is lower than perceived.

rangerreece said:

I guess the risk of angering the you-know-who’s is lower than perceived.

Click to expand...

Probably not intended as a "joke"... but this made me chuckle out loud.

Woman turns up in court charged with beating up her boyfriend with his 2 guitars.

Judge says: So, first offender?

She says: Nope, first a Gibson, then a Fender.

Was it heavy metal?

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment....make it memorable.