I'm ready for more jokes.

A man is walking the beach alone and comes across a lamp in the sand. He buffs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says I will grant you one wish for freeing me from my lamp. The man thinks and then says because of his fear of flying he wants a bridge built to Hawaii from California. The genie says, "That's impossible!" The genie goes on and explains in great detail and length why the wish cannot be completed. The genie tells the man to make another wish.

The man pauses and remarks that he's walking the beach alone because of a recent stupid fight with his girlfriend. He just can't understand why she is so upset and reacted the way she did over nothing. The man thinks and then asks the genie, "My wish is to understand women." The genie looks at the man and says, "Would you want two lanes or four on that bridge to Hawaii?"

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.

But does she ride???

spanky said:

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and

will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible guy around.

No wait... sorry.... I'm thinking of beer.

It's beer that does all that.......

Never mind.

Click to expand...

Hysterical!!! I'm keeping this one.

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.
instructors are also advised that using a bit of
imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.

This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

Of course child.* What can I do for you?'

I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday.* It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it.* Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me?* Could you possibly hide it under your
robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.* Next
please!’

Darth Vader Got Married!

It works for me

** I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Poor Dennis

POOR DENNIS *- *Guys try not to laugh to hard at this one. You may hurt some body parts if you do.
*
*
*
The Doctor said, 'Dennis, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
*
Dennis was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the Hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the Street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
*
He saw a men's Clothing Store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'
He entered the shop and told the Salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Dennis laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the Tailor said.
*
Dennis tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As DENNIS admired himself in the mirror, the Salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
DENNIS thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The Salesman eyed Dennis and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
DENNIS was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
*
Dennis tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Dennis walked comfortably around the shop and the Salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Dennis thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The Salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Dennis laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The Salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'
*
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
*
*

Missing Wife

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!

Anybody here fit this description?

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
*********** I don't have to go to school or work.
*********** I get an allowance every month.
*********** I have my own pad.
*********** I don't have a curfew.
*********** I have a driver's license and my own car.
*********** I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
*********** The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
*********** And I don't have acne.

The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of dog food at Wal-Mart. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to give it a try again. (I have to mention here that everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to scratch my fleas and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won’t let me shop there anymore.

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland”

The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first one responds, ”So am I!”

“Mother Mary and begora! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other bloke answers, “Well now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”

The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

When I was 16 I took flight training, soloed in a Piper Cub, and even passed the written test for a private license. Then the money ran out and I never got my Private license. Like most 16 year old boys, I gave little thought to my SPINE but paid considerable attention to the other organ PNEIS could be arranged to spell. Just never thought about it, and it was never erect, when I was practicing takeoffs and landings. Perhaps I was just weird, but could you explain how this other arrangement of the letters led you guys to become pilots? Seems to me you should have become lawyers or politicians.

Lawyers and politiatians have neither a stiff spine nor a stiff organ. They are the reason viagra was created.

rangerreece said:

Lawyers and politiatians have neither a stiff spine nor a stiff organ. .

Click to expand...

They don't have, they are.

BCKRider said:

When I was 16 I took flight training, soloed in a Piper Cub, and even passed the written test for a private license. Then the money ran out and I never got my Private license. Like most 16 year old boys, I gave little thought to my SPINE but paid considerable attention to the other organ PNEIS could be arranged to spell. Just never thought about it, and it was never erect, when I was practicing takeoffs and landings. Perhaps I was just weird, but could you explain how this other arrangement of the letters led you guys to become pilots? Seems to me you should have become lawyers or politicians.

Click to expand...

A friend of mine in the Air Force tells me that carrier pilots like to say that the best three things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement, and an nighttime carrier landing is an opportunity to have all three at once.

poodad said:

A friend of mine in the Air Force tells me that carrier pilots like to say that the best three things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement, and an nighttime carrier landing is an opportunity to have all three at once.

Click to expand...

Interesting! In my brief career as a pilot I had some good landings and some not so good, but never experienced either of the other two phenomena while landing a plane. In fact, I've NEVER come and gone at the same time. Of course, putting a Piper cub down on a dirt strip on a sunny day is probably substantially different than landing a jet on a carrier at night. Not sorry that I have kept these three pleasurable activities separate.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
*
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
*
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
*
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
*
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
*
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
*
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the cranky old bitch in the kitchen."