I'm ready for more jokes.

It Is Test Time

Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions


It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.



Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.



OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?













Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else … Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?






Answer : Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!! (Go back and look!).
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: most people fail most of the questions!!

Watch out for us bikers

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.



'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.











'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off ​all of you​!'



St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

Hear about the guy who had sex with a dwarf on an elevator?
It was wrong on many levels.

Then there was the guy who was addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Claimed he could stop any time.

Why did Beethoven kill his chickens?
Because they kept going, "Bach Bach Bach".

A guy applied for job at he circus. Circus Master asked,
"What exactly is it you want to do for the circus?"
Guy says, "I want to be the man who gets shot out of the cannon!"
Circus Master looks him up & down, and says,
"I'm sorry, sir. You're not the caliber of man we're looking for."

bullit7801 said:

One thing the average forum reader, poster, lurker can do to help out the moderation team is to use the report post feature. At the lower left of each post is an excalmation square (!) and if you click on it, you can send a message to the moderation team. Your report has the space to say why you think the post is "out of bounds" based on the forum rules. You can use this or just flag the post. If more readers used this feature, it would make the moderation job easier, and might avoid the necessity of closing the whole thread.

I almost reported one of the last jokes that I felt was "out of bounds" but didn't because I am on the BoD and we have agreed not to become involved with the running of the forum.

Thanks,

tb

Click to expand...

BS: You are a member first and on the BOD second. You have the same right as everyone else. You just have more say in the board room.

Great Friends - Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's softball there.' Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Leo passed on.

A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '
'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Leo--it's me, Leo'
'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice.

'Leo! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank

'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic, 'said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university:
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He later went on to become a member of Congress...

A guy was driving along on a dark road on a rainy night. As he was passing an area with a high chain-link fence with razor wire on its top, he got a flat tire.

He got out, checked the tire, then pulled out the jack and went to work. After he'd jacked up the car, he began to remove the lug nuts. As he took them off, he placed them carefully on the ground beside him. However, what he didn't see was that he was putting them into a sewer grate, and not on the ground.

He got out the spare, then looked for the lug nuts, but of course, didn't find them.

He suddenly had this feeling that someone was watching him. He turned around and saw a man standing behind the high fence. He also noticed that there was a sign on the fence: "State Mental Hospital."

As he looked at the man, the guy suddenly spoke up and said: "You've got a problem. Why don't you take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels, and put the spare on with those three. Then you could drive slowly to a garage and get everything fixed.

Thinking about it, the driver thought this was a good idea. But then he said to the guy: "Wait a second. You're in there. How did you figure out how to do this?"

In response the man behind the fence said: "Hey, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid!"

Not sure if video jokes are in keeping with the organic nature of this thread, but this one is a peach:

NAG NAG NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

''That woman actor, Reece something was stabbed.''

''Witherspoon ?''

''No, a knife.'''

________________________________________________________________________________


Two boys decide to gather up some pecans that have fallen from the trees at a local cemetery. After they have collected a fairly large amount, they settle down in the shade behind one of the monuments to divide up their bounty. As they pour their pecans out of the buckets to make a large pile, several of the pecans roll down the slope and come to rest near the fence of the cemetery.

The boys begin dividing up the pecans with the time honored tradition of "One for you...one for me....one for you....one for me."

Another boy happens along, riding his bicycle past the cemetery when he suddenly hears the voices of the two boys. Unable to see anyone, as the two are behind a monument, he pauses a moment and to his horror believes that God and the Devil are in the cemetery, dividing up souls!

Terrified, he takes off as fast as he can, pedaling as though his life depends on it!

After a short distance, he comes across an old farmer hobbling along the road with the use of a cane. He screeches to a halt and babbles about God and the Devil in the cemetery and begs the old man to come see for himself. "I'm old and I don't move anywhere in a hurry, young'n...but since you seem genuinely scared, I'll go back to the cemetery with you to show you there is nothing to fear."

So the two of them go to the cemetery, and stop by the fence to listen. From within the cemetery they hear the disembodied voices steadily counting "One for you, one for me...one for you, one for me..."

The hair on the back of the old man's neck stand up as he realizes the boy was right. Still, his curiosity gets the better of him, and he leans down and whispers to the boy "Let's see if we can get closer and see God and the Devil, boy."

The boy swallows nervously but nods his head. Cautiously they approach the gate, straining to be as quiet as possible.

Suddenly, from within the cemetery they hear one of the voices say "Well, that takes care of these...now let's get those nuts down by the fence and we are all done here!"

They say the old guy had about a two-hundred yard lead down the road until the boy finally passed him on his bicycle.....

Don't procrastinate. Put off doing it NOW!

Dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message - 'Genesis 3:10'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Good one! Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

WalterK75 said:

Don't procrastinate. Put off doing it NOW!

Click to expand...

I guess you already know the

Top 10 Reasons To Procrastinate:

1:

Walking on the grass

WALKING ON THE GRASS


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.



Instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Pure innocence in Church

My neighbour, wonderful lady, single with two sweet children. I think she is most awesome how hard she works and how she takes care of her family and puts up with a neighbour like me who has a lot of friends that drink beer and a lot of motorcycles all the time.

This morning she came home after Church. I waved and noticed that her young son had two black eyes.

"My goodness my young friend. What happened to you?"

"Well Uncle Mike, we stood up at Church for the Hymn and the lady in front had her skirt tucked into her butt cheeks."

"OK, how did you get the black eye?"

"I pulled her skirt out and she smacked me."

"Dude, that explains one black eye, how did you get the other?"

"I put her skirt back in."

2 guys grow up together, but after university one moves to Sydney and the other to Perth.

Every ten years they agree to meet in Adelaide and play golf at the Royal Adelaide.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the girls, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."

"OK."

Ten years later at 40 they play.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."

Ten years later at 50.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"The food is good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

Ten years later at 60.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"Wings are half price."
"OK"

Ten years later at 70.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

Ten years later at 80.
"So where do you wanna go?"
Charcoal Pit
"Why?"
"We've never been there before."

There are only two things to worry about;
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about;
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about;
Whether you will get well or whether you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about;
Whether you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about;
And if you go to hell you'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends, you won't have any time to worry.

************************************************

Keep your friends close and your enemies--oh my god I'm surrounded by my enemies. How did I get so many enemies.