I'm ready for more jokes.

An engineer's wife left a note for him to prepare dinner that evening:

Shepherds Pie needs to be taken out of the fridge
and placed in the oven at 140 degrees.

Newly Ordained

from a Mensa newsletter -

So I was over in West Texas when a friend called and asked if I wanted to come spend the weekend with him again. We had a good time and then I went with him to his local church.

It wasn’t that long ago when I last went with him to his church, but I noticed that the guy leading the services wasn’t the same one as before.

Afterwards I asked my friend about this. He said that there’s a seminary nearby and when they graduate, his local church board offers the position to a new graduate. That way the seminary can easily do follow-up checking on their graduates.

"Oh, so your church…
... is looking for greener pastors."

Townie Tunes. If you have lived in the area or have knowledge of the area- these are pretty clever...and funny.

http://www.wror.com/loren-and-wally/townie-tunes.aspx#ooid=1pdXVmbDr4MpktqjWhpikZJpR_BC7Ajj

OM

Omega Man said:

Townie Tunes. If you have lived in the area or have knowledge of the area- these are pretty clever...and funny.

http://www.wror.com/loren-and-wally/townie-tunes.aspx#ooid=1pdXVmbDr4MpktqjWhpikZJpR_BC7Ajj

OM

Click to expand...

At present, "The Pothole Song" is especially appropriate!

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Man comes home to find his wife in bed with one of his best friends. In a fit of rage, he grabs his pistol and shoots what used to be one of his best friends dead.
His wife calmly turns to her husband and says, "with that kind of attitude your not going to have any friends left".
OM

Retired Husbands

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.





Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.





Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.





Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:








Dear Mrs. Harris:





Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.





We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.





Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our





video surveillance cameras:











1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts





when they weren't looking.





2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.





3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.





4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.





Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a





reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing





management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.





5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and
tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.




6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.





7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite





them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty





children obliged.





8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't





you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.





9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his





nose.





10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the





antidepressants were.





11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ' Mission





Impossible' theme.





12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of





funnels.





13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK





ME!'





14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position





and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'





15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?





And last, but not least:





16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly,





'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday in Minneapolis of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from
repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including
Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.


The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.


Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not regarded as a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a
little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and served as a positive roll model for millions.


Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus
they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 min.

The Pilot and the Priest

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

New thread, pilot jokes?

My son, just started flying 747-400 Cargo. I think that's good.

He was telling me about his first experiences flying A320 FO.

He showed up one day in his uniform and I asked him about the significance of the three bars on his shoulder. Fair question coming from me. What do I know? I just pay the bills for the training and expect a little yard work in return.

He says, "Dad, three bars means 'Not My Fault'".

"Four bars means' 'It's All My Fault'".

When I go to the local discount store to get oil and filters, I buy my girl a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife.
"How often do you do that?" one asked.
Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

For those of the older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.
I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

A middle aged foodie was walking in a hip shopping area when he spotted an interesting bakery. The sign had some sort of glyph that was indecipherable but they was advertising ground meat pies. Intrigued, he entered the establishment to find the proprietor was a slightly built rock star from Minneapolis.

"Would you like to try my pies?" He was asked.

"Certainly." He replied.

After eating the pie, the foodie was unable to contain himself and shouted out











"I hate minces from Prince's!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Old Maid

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Two BMW riders were sitting in a hotel bar having drinks after a long day's ride. One casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from them and said, "That's us in ten years." The other said, "That's a mirror, you idiot."