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I'm ready for more jokes.

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
 
INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then..

....
....
......

















You are probably the family dog.
 
We were visiting our son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

ÔÇØThis is the 21st century, old man,ÔÇØ he said. ÔÇØWe don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.ÔÇØ

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...
 
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
 
Oldie but a ...

May have been posted, but I didnt find it.

A heart surgeon picks up his BMW motorcyle from the shop. As he's paying the bill, the mechanic steps up and says,

"Ya know doc, we're alot alike"", the surgeoan says, "How so?"

The mechanic says, "Well I take your bike, open up the engine, figure out whats wrong, meticulously replace all the parts, put it back together and close it all up, and make it better than it was when it came in, just like yuo do with your heart patients. So how come you make millions of dollars and I only a few thousand?"

The doctor replied, "Try doing it with the engine running next time!"
 
God's Promise

And God promised men
that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.

Then He made the Earth round . . .
. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed . . .
 
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes de bull he wins.
 
MEMO
To: All members of St. Paul's Abby

From: Bishop Thomas Stone

Re: Your proposal to establish a fast food restaurant featuring breaded cod and french fried potatoes.

I heartily give you my blessing and remind you that all members of your order must participate.

Each of you must decide whether you would rather be a fish friar or a chip monk.
 
Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick
 
Would you laugh at a funeral????

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral I'm a gynecologist."

The Priest fainted.
 
Man frantically call the doctor;



Doctor! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 2 minutes apart!



The doctor asks "is this her first child?"




Man: Hell no, I'm her husband!
 
My wife was in labor with our first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, ÔÇ£ShouldnÔÇÖt, couldnÔÇÖt, wouldnÔÇÖt, didnÔÇÖt, canÔÇÖt!ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Doctor, whatÔÇÖs wrong with my wife?ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Nothing. SheÔÇÖs just having contractions.ÔÇØ
 
Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
 
if men's restrooms were designed by women

7913121718_3cba50d5c6_b.jpg
 
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