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I'm ready for more jokes.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hellooo? It's only 25 cents:laugh
 
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 
True Story

I stopped at a DQ last night and ordered a Hot Fudge Sundae with extra Hot Fudge. The guy (blonde) with a straight face told me that the microwave was broken, so I would have to settle for the regular temperature fudge. I just shook my head and walked away.... They walk among us!!! And they vote!!!!!
 
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day .

" Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in
a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an
aggressive gator "

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman !"

" No ," I replied, " I'm just a bad golfer.



.
 
Thought for the Day

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, ÔÇ£Wow, dogs are easily entertained..."

Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes...
 
Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".
 
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ÔÇ£Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck but attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.ÔÇØ

The old man faxed back: ÔÇ£Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.ÔÇØ



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Feel free to move this over to the grateful thread if you like...
 

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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I".
 
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
 
Dead Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life .


The penguin is very committed to its family and will
Mate for life , as well as maintaining a form of
Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life .



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface , other members
Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice , using their vestigial wings and beaks , until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried .
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing :


" Freeze a jolly good fellow "


" Freeze a jolly good fellow ."



" Then they kick him in the ice hole ."
 
Deer Hunting & Dental work

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."



.
 
Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Bob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Bob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. My wife felt bad for being so harsh about me going hunting, so... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. "guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.
 
Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Bob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Bob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Bob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. My wife felt bad for being so harsh about me going hunting, so... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said. "guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.


:clap:buds
 
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured. (I know these things)

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you
better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

14. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still
sleep with their wives! :nyah
 
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