I'm ready for more jokes.

Only in America could there be a success story like this!!!!!!!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.
One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.
"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a Hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.


He said, ‘Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?’

She said ‘I love it but I have to stop eating it.’

‘Why?’ he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said ‘Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!’

‘Let me see’ he said.

‘Okay’ and she showed him.. He looked and said, ‘That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.’

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, ‘I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!’

She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, ‘Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm...

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

KenDittrick said:

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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Kaliphornia authorities are beginning to offer ways to combat the "smash and grab" wave of thefts at high-end fashion stores-




om

akbeemer said:

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BTDT!

akbeemer said:

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You didn't think of all that when Annie learned to ride.

^I'm definitely feeling that^

SPP

You know how your service order at the dealership always starts out “Customer states…”? This compilation was sent to me by a friend and while it’s not about motorcycles and the only roundel is on a bimmer, not a Beemer, it’s entertaining. And scary…


Best,
DeVern

GTRider said:

You know how your service order at the dealership always starts out “Customer states…”? This compilation was sent to me by a friend and while it’s not about motorcycles and the only roundel is on a bimmer, not a Beemer, it’s entertaining. And scary…

Best,
DeVern

Click to expand...

They are out there, driving among us.

PGlaves said:

They are out there, driving among us.

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Sad, but true.

First JWST Picture

The first picture from the newly-deployed JWST Observatory has been released...

I'm Ready for More Humor

IT'S GOOD TO LAUGH

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Later, Bob

Reposted from somewhere

I Pulled These from a Boston Globe Column. I like #8

1) What do you call a hippopotamus with long hair and love beads?
A hippie-potamus!

2) Have you ever noticed that when geese migrate, they fly in a vee formation? And if you look closely, you'll note that one side of the vee is always longer than the other. And do you know why that is?
(Wait for it.)
There are more geese on that side.


3) A nurse reached into her pocket, pulled out a rectal thermometer, and thought to herself,
"Some a------ has got my pen."


4) For grammar freaks:
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.


5) A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. And the bartender asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"


6) An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman says to the Irishman, "Hey, watch this," at which point he walks up to the counter when the baker's back is turned and steals three buns, putting them in his pockets.
When he returns to the back of the shop, he says, "Did you see that? It took a lot of skill and guile to pull that off." The Irishman replies, "That's nothing but common thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then walks up to the baker and says, "Excuse me sir. Would you care to see a magic trick?" The baker nods and the Irishman then asks for one of his buns. He proceeds to eat it and then asks for two more, eating them as well.
The baker then says, "OK son, so where's the magic trick?" to which the Irishman replies, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."


7) I was really bummed the other day when I went into my favorite brewery and they told me all flights were canceled.


8) A 15-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me $15."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

9) An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where they'd be taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"


10) What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guys. Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers . . if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the ark.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it five or six times to make sure.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they must be a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. Now the cops are here.

In the 1980s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower.