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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #796
    Quote Originally Posted by mcmxcivrs View Post
    Well if blind people can't drive, then why does the drive through ATM have braille on the keypad.
    "Only in America, land of opportunity, ..."
    Paul Glaves - "Big Bend", Texas U.S.A
    "The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution." - Bertrand Russell
    http://web.bigbend.net/~glaves/

  2. #797
    '99 '03 '06 National Co-Rally Chair Friedle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mcmxcivrs View Post
    Well if blind people can't drive, then why does the drive through ATM have braille on the keypad.
    Could they possibly use the same keypad in the lobby ATM? And who says blind people don't drive? More than once I have heard, "Jeeze Officer, I didn't see him. I don't know where he came from.".


    Friedle
    Ride fast safely

  3. #798
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    When I was working at the U. of AK one of the areas I oversaw was Disability Services. They had a "blind" client who regularly came to her appointments by driving her new car.
    Kevin Huddy
    The Outpost, Silver City, Montana
    Never have more ambition than adhesion.

  4. #799
    Rocky Bow BMW Riders #197 KenDittrick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by akbeemer View Post
    When I was working at the U. of AK one of the areas I oversaw was Disability Services. They had a "blind" client who regularly came to her appointments by driving her new car.
    Apparently not a good thing to do in TX...

    Ken Dittrick
    2008 R1200RT (Biarritz Blau)


    Excuses are the rocks upon which our dreams are crushed - Tim Fargo

  5. #800
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  6. #801
    Registered User dieselyoda's Avatar
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    At a recent family gathering, a very young in spirit was seen sitting alone in the corner of the room.

    Being almost 95 years old, seldom was she included in the family stories.

    She began to smile and tears came to her eyes.

    "Mom, are you Ok?"

    "I am. I just realized you are all here because I got laid."
    1997 R1100RT, 1981 KZ 440 LTD, R80RT, R90/6 sidecar, K1100RS,1983 K100RS (Cafe now)

    “The major civilizing force in the world is not religion, it is sex.”

  7. #802
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

    A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  8. #803
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    Jokes,

    I have only 1 thing to say about this: Being a 25 year member, I have noticed that some members have a tendency to take themselves far more seriously than the situation warrants. They are the demigods of details, taking the time to write a lengthy letter to a contributor who underestimated the weight of a new BMW by 1 pound, and suggesting that said person is wholly unqualified to contribute. They love to correct others because it makes them feel powerful and important. Similarly, there are the 'Moral Superiors" who love to lecture others about failings to be politically correct as it relates to humor; (To Wit: the whining and howls of false outrage when Jack Reipe writes a column). For myself, I am reminded of my father's advice regarding Television programs: " If you don't like the program, change the channel"/Turn the page or go to the next post.

    To the "Morally outraged" among us, I joined this fine organization 25 years ago to learn, interact and have fun; not to be lectured. RELAX, and see a dermatologist about your thin skin.

    Nuff Said.

    3hawks

  9. #804
    Pepperfool GSAddict's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by will3hawks View Post
    I have only 1 thing to say about this: Being a 25 year member, I have noticed that some members have a tendency to take themselves far more seriously than the situation warrants. They are the demigods of details, taking the time to write a lengthy letter to a contributor who underestimated the weight of a new BMW by 1 pound, and suggesting that said person is wholly unqualified to contribute. They love to correct others because it makes them feel powerful and important. Similarly, there are the 'Moral Superiors" who love to lecture others about failings to be politically correct as it relates to humor; (To Wit: the whining and howls of false outrage when Jack Reipe writes a column). For myself, I am reminded of my father's advice regarding Television programs: " If you don't like the program, change the channel"/Turn the page or go to the next post.

    To the "Morally outraged" among us, I joined this fine organization 25 years ago to learn, interact and have fun; not to be lectured. RELAX, and see a dermatologist about your thin skin.

    Nuff Said.

    3hawks
    The term Keyboard Bully comes to mind,
    '
    Ufda happens..........

    Need your R11xx Hall sensor rewired? PM me.

  10. #805
    Registered User
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    Jokes

    It’s getting to serious
    Remember steal from the best
    This is not my joke

    CC2EC127-BA61-47F7-B2B2-B3F0EF64EE46.jpeg

  11. #806
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Marriage Counselor: Welcome! What brings you two here today?

    Wife: He takes everything so literally! I can't stand it any longer.

    Husband: My truck.
    Kevin Huddy
    The Outpost, Silver City, Montana
    Never have more ambition than adhesion.

  12. #807

  13. #808
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Google Pizza

    CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

    GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

    CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

    GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

    CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

    GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

    CALLER: My usual? You know me?

    GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses,

    sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

    CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

    GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

    CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

    GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

    CALLER: How the hell do you know?

    GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

    CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

    GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

    CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

    GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

    CALLER: I paid in cash.

    GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

    CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

    GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

    CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

    GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

    CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service

    and no one to watch me or spy on me.

    GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
    Ambassador Emeritus BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    Niagara Riders
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS

  14. #809
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WalterK75 View Post
    Marriage Counselor: Welcome! What brings you two here today?

    Wife: He takes everything so literally! I can't stand it any longer.

    Husband: My truck.
    Ha! Still as funny as when I posted the same joke three post earlier.
    Kevin Huddy
    The Outpost, Silver City, Montana
    Never have more ambition than adhesion.

  15. #810
    Registered User dieselyoda's Avatar
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    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
    and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
    vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
    you chop away.

    3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
    the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
    yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
    the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
    will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
    sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
    laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
    hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

    Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
    life really are:

    You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
    doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
    shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    Remember:

    Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

    If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

    And finally, be really nice to your family and
    friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

    LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE BREATHS WE TAKE;
    BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!
    1997 R1100RT, 1981 KZ 440 LTD, R80RT, R90/6 sidecar, K1100RS,1983 K100RS (Cafe now)

    “The major civilizing force in the world is not religion, it is sex.”

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