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I'm ready for more jokes.
- Thread starter oldhway
- Start date
Traffic Camera
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good- looking man in his late forties or early fifties
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a night.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
The next morning, the man left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
The next morning, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said.. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer.
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a night.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
The next morning, the man left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
The next morning, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said.. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer.
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
skibumwi
New member
Ok, I'm of Norwegian Heritage and raised in Minnesota so I can get away with this...
Ollie and Lena had been married for 60 years but one day, Ollie died.
The next day Lena decided she should put an announcement in the local newspaper so she went down to the papers office and asked to place the notice. When the clerk asked her what she wanted listed she thought about it for a few seconds and said "Ollie died". The clerk mentioned to her that the minimum charge include up to five words and asked if she wanted to add anything else. Lena thought about it for a few minutes and said "OK, write this. Ollie died, boat for sale"
Ollie and Lena had been married for 60 years but one day, Ollie died.
The next day Lena decided she should put an announcement in the local newspaper so she went down to the papers office and asked to place the notice. When the clerk asked her what she wanted listed she thought about it for a few seconds and said "Ollie died". The clerk mentioned to her that the minimum charge include up to five words and asked if she wanted to add anything else. Lena thought about it for a few minutes and said "OK, write this. Ollie died, boat for sale"
skibumwi
New member
For my fellow, long suffering, Minnesotans..
Ollie and Sven were a couple of good old boys living in northern Minnesota. One night in February they each had a bit too much to drink and decided to go out snowmobiling. Unfortunate they had a high speed, close encounter, with a barbed-wire fence and things did not go well for them. Due to some passed transgressions they ended up going to Hell and were placed in a cell together.
After a couple of days the Devil decided to see how their punishment was going only to find then sitting in their shorts and t-shirts relaxing. When the Devil asked them what was going on they responded that "It felt like a warm Minnesota spring" and that they really enjoyed the temperature. The Devil was not pleased and decide the jack the temperature up even Higher!
After a couple of more days the Devil stopped by to relish in their pain only to find them stripped down to their underwear and cooking fish in a fryer! When asked what was going on they responded "When the summer gets really hot it's fish-fry time". Now the Devil was really pissed and decided to take a new approach - he lowered the temperature in hell down to well be low freezing! All of the demons and other inmates had teeth chattering and limbs frozen but when the Devil stopped by the boys' cell they were were dancing, whooping it up, and giving each other high fives! The Devil raged against them and asked them how they could be happy under such terrible conditions. The boys responded "well, we figured that if Hell had frozen over ...the Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!"
Ollie and Sven were a couple of good old boys living in northern Minnesota. One night in February they each had a bit too much to drink and decided to go out snowmobiling. Unfortunate they had a high speed, close encounter, with a barbed-wire fence and things did not go well for them. Due to some passed transgressions they ended up going to Hell and were placed in a cell together.
After a couple of days the Devil decided to see how their punishment was going only to find then sitting in their shorts and t-shirts relaxing. When the Devil asked them what was going on they responded that "It felt like a warm Minnesota spring" and that they really enjoyed the temperature. The Devil was not pleased and decide the jack the temperature up even Higher!
After a couple of more days the Devil stopped by to relish in their pain only to find them stripped down to their underwear and cooking fish in a fryer! When asked what was going on they responded "When the summer gets really hot it's fish-fry time". Now the Devil was really pissed and decided to take a new approach - he lowered the temperature in hell down to well be low freezing! All of the demons and other inmates had teeth chattering and limbs frozen but when the Devil stopped by the boys' cell they were were dancing, whooping it up, and giving each other high fives! The Devil raged against them and asked them how they could be happy under such terrible conditions. The boys responded "well, we figured that if Hell had frozen over ...the Vikings must have won the Super Bowl!"
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