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I'm ready for more jokes.

Remember that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
 
My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication the honeymoon is over.

I was fixing the attic fan, and as I climbed the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look at me and said, "Are those your good pants?"
 
Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'
 
Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together --

It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..
 
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

'Dear Lord,' he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
'without You we are but dust...'

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was
listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly
in her shrill little girl voice, 'Mommy, what is butt dust?'

Church was pretty much over at that point...
 
Tea party for Dad

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party. She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea her Mom came home. Dad made her Mom wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water is the toilet...
 



so how did you get into my life........thats my thoughts a lot of the times.........this week is ...............is that carb running right

...............................................

ok something is wrong, it was supposed to "quote" the chick on the couch and the guy looking into space and the whole shabang
 
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy survivors from a sinking ship.

"Follow me, son," the father shark says to his son, the younger shark.

So they swim over to the mass of people. The father says,

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked,

"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the **** inside!"
 
Things you don't want to hear from tech support

1. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?

2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

3. So -- what are you wearing?

4. Bummer Duuuuuuuude.

5. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

6. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

7. We can fix this, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

8. I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

10. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
 
A teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
:beer:beer
 
A policeman caught a man who looked like a tramp and arrested him. The man said that he was a judge and looked this way because he was under cover and getting evidence. The policeman didn't believe him and took the man down to the police station.

At the police station the officer started to book him when the sergeant asked him what he was doing. "I'm booking this tramp, he said."

The sergeant said, "You can't do that. This is the Judge. Haven't you learned that you can't book a judge by his cover?"
 
This was stolen from a post on our club's website :whistle

"Do any of you know where I can get some severed feet? I think they'd make perfect stocking stuffers.... "
 
Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or
other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
butter-side up, to a cat's back and toss them both out the window,
will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself
you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of
butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the
equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat
can not land on its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore, they simply do not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity!

To expand on this theory,a buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium.

This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the
butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing
descent.

Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this
principle to drive their space ships while within a planetary system. The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
of several hundred tabbies. Larger craft use the Mancoon breed and a
long ways sliced sourdough loaf.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat
the bread off their backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you
all know, happened in Roswell 50 years ago. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.
:cat
 
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.



.
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


'You dumber than buffalo poop..... It mean someone stole the tent.'


.
 
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