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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #1336
    Registered User RIDERR1150GSADV's Avatar
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  2. #1337
    Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat Omega Man's Avatar
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    Inspired from Bill Maher

    "I left my heart in San Francisco.....along with my iPhone and wallet".





    https://www.sfgate.com/local-donotus...photo-15485449

    OM
    "You can do good or you can do well. Sooner or later they make you choose." MI5
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  3. #1338
    Registered User 88bmwjeff's Avatar
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    Yep, last year was a bad year for car owners in San Francisco. Some owners were leaving their cars unlocked and open to avoid the cost or having to repair their car. Haven't heard much about break ins lately, but that may only mean they are being reported by the press.

    https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2...eak-ins-surge/
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  4. #1339
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Paraprosdokians

    Paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.,

    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks.

    10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

    11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

    14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

    15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.

    18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

    19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

    20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now itís getting harder and harder for me to find one.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  5. #1340
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Kevin Huddy
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  6. #1341
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Took that advice and it solved 50% of my problems!

  7. #1342
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    New Mexico Chili Cook-off

    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them...

    CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach..

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 -- No report.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  8. #1343
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Uh oh...
    DeadMan.jpg
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  9. #1344
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Some groaners!

    ... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

    ... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    ... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    ... The batteries were given out free of charge.

    ... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    ... A will is a dead giveaway.

    ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    ... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    ... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    ... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    ... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    ... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

    ... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    ... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

    ... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

    ... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    ... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  10. #1345
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Some more found me!
    ####################

    Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

    She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

    What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

    Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

    Just so everyone is clear, Iím going to put my glasses on.

    A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

    I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

    Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

    How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

    I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

    My friends and I have named our band ĎDuvetí. Itís a cover band.

    I lost my girlfriendís audiobook, and now Iíll never hear the end of it.

    Why is Ďdarkí spelled with a k and not c? Because you canít "c" in the dark.

    Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

    When I told my contractor I didnít want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

    Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, ďOh no, not U2 again.

    Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a personís walk, and the result was staggering.

    Iím trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

    I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I wonít lie, it was a rocky road.

    What do you say to comfort a friend whoís struggling with grammar? There, their, theyíre.

    I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, ďAisle B, back.Ē

    What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

    Iíve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. Itís all about raisin awareness.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  11. #1346
    Registered User ExGMan's Avatar
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    Great stuff Kurt!
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    "We have met the enemy and he is us." Pogo-via Walt Kelly

  12. #1347
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

    Yeti never complains.

  13. #1348
    Fortis Fortuna Adiuvat Omega Man's Avatar
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    "You can do good or you can do well. Sooner or later they make you choose." MI5
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  14. #1349
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    That stuff is seasonal - summer fluid vs. winter fluid.

  15. #1350
    Dances With Sheep GREGFEELER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauls1150 View Post
    That stuff is seasonal - summer fluid vs. winter fluid.
    And, don't forget that there is now the analog and digital versions for old-school filament bulbs and LED bulbs respectively.
    Greg Feeler
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