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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #721
    Pepperfool GSAddict's Avatar
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    Killer Whales

    A male whale and a female whale were swimming

    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

    The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

    He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

    They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

    Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

    The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

    At this point, he realized the female refused to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
    '
    Ufda happens..........

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  2. #722
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Shirley and Mercy

    A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
    So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

    As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

    Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

    The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

    'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

    'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?

    'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ' Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

  3. #723
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    BAD PARROT

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

    John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

    HAPPY (Belated) THANKSGIVING!
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  4. #724
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    What the turkey did

    He and his family did not properly thank the Don

  5. #725
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.

    He asked her about it.

    "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

    "What's the curse?" the man asked.

    "Mr. Klopman."
    Walter

    Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
    H. L. Mencken

  6. #726
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Singing the Blues

    Lifted from an FjR forum.....

    THE DUDE'S BLUES PRIMER

    1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

    2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
    something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
    meanest face in town."

    3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes . .. . sort of: "Got a good woman with
    the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
    in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

    4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
    ditch-ain't no way out.

    5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
    don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
    transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
    an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
    a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. (Well, except maybe Johnny Lang)
    Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to
    get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace
    in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just
    clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
    best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any places
    that don't get rain.

    8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
    pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the
    blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

    9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
    is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; B) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;
    d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; B)
    Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.

    11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
    happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than
    dirt; B) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be
    satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; B) You were once blind but
    now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust
    fund.

    13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
    Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
    got a leg up on the blues.

    14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
    Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; B) Whiskey or
    bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT
    Blues beverages: a) Perrier; B) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

    15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
    die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
    broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
    match or getting liposuction.

    16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; B) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat
    River Dumpling

    17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; B) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big
    Willie

    18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
    sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
    a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
    B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
    c) Last name of President (Jefferson,Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
    d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
    Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't
    sing or play the blues.
    Kevin Huddy
    Tm Pterodactyl's MT Outpost
    2017 R1200GSA & 2013 FJR

  7. #727
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The brain is a wonderful organ. It works 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year from birth till the day you fall in love.
    Walter

    Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
    H. L. Mencken

  8. #728
    Liaison 20774's Avatar
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    Fred: What did you get your wife for Christmas?

    Ned: She told me, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."

    Fred: So you got her diamonds?

    Ned: No, I got her nothing.
    Kurt -- Forum Liaison ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  9. #729
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Kevin Huddy
    Tm Pterodactyl's MT Outpost
    2017 R1200GSA & 2013 FJR

  10. #730

    Berke Breathed

    0D0B1599-4A63-4F57-9031-8D69F07F23BC.jpeg

    The Author graced the cover of our website a couple of years ago, much to the chagrin of the, “stay off my lawn” crowd, as I recall.

    Love me some Berke Breathed. He’s the Gary Trudeau of us Generation X’ers.
    R. Reece Mullins Ebony R1200RT (Gretchen)
    MOA # 143779
    MOA Charter Club #5 #364 #100
    BMW MOA Vice President

  11. #731
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Old Doc Geezer

    An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

    He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

    Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

    Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

    You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

    Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

    ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

    P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

  12. #732
    SURVIVOR akbeemer's Avatar
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    Kevin Huddy
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    2017 R1200GSA & 2013 FJR

  13. #733
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

    I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
    Walter

    Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
    H. L. Mencken

  14. #734
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    License plate Frame

    saw this on a car yesterday -

    My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student

  15. #735
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Wordplay

    A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

    The bartender replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

    "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

    "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the bartender answers.
    "Do you want to try?"

    "No, but thanks anyway."

    "Why not?" asks the bartender.

    "The steaks are too high."

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