I'm ready for more jokes.

THE DEAF WIFE!


Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.

So, the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again, he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again, there is no response.

So, he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For God's sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN !

Made me laugh.

A golfer was standing over his ball going through his routine to swing and hit the ball. The starter sitting in the 1st tee shack notices him and picks up his bull horn and yells "Hey, you on the first tee. You can't tee off from the ladies' tee. Pick up your ball and come back to the regular tees."

The golfer is a bit annoyed, but continues to go through the steps to concentrate to hit the golf ball. Again, the start grabs his bull horn "First tee golfer...you can't start on the ladies' tee. Go back to the regular tees." Other people on the course are starting to take notice.

The golfer steps away from his ball and looks back at the starter with a glaring look, staring him down. But he turns back to addressing his ball. Then the starter is more emphatic on his bull horn saying "Don't hit from the ladies' tee...re-tee at the regular tees." People are really wondering what is happening.

Finally, the golfer steps back from his ball and takes a few strides towards the starter shack. He yells "Hey starter with the friggin' bull horn. Shut up and let me hit my second shot....from the ladies' tee!" He slumps back to his ball and takes his position to hit his shot.

George Carlin had questions about the use of language:


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6 . Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

ExGMan said:

George Carlin had questions about the use of language:


1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6 . Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Click to expand...

and why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
how come there's no synonym for the word synonym?

Why isn't the word for palindrome a palindrome?

"Doc, I can't stop singing, "What's New, Pussycat?"

"Sounds like you've got Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual."

Brian always wanted a pair of authentic Harley Motorcycle Boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Maria looked him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Brian stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Maria, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Maria looked up and exclaimed "Brian, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Brian yelled,'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARIA?" "Nope" she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS".

Without changing her expression, Maria replied, "Shoulda bought a new helmet, Brian!"

HUMOR!

TRUE LOVE!

A Navy Chief was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

The Chief had been checking her out since he sat down, and was about to approach her to talk with her...

When suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the Chief.

The Chief reflexively reached out, grabbed the glass eye out of the air, and handed it back to the redhead.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she said.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to a bar for some drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a great time and seemed to click!

The next morning, she cooked a huge breakfast and served the Chief in bed.

The Chief is amazed! Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," the Chief said...

"...you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No..." she replied…

"You just happened to catch my eye."

GROAN.....

Rectitude - the dignified bearing of proctologists

People with a sh***y outlook on life suffer from Ocular Rectalitis.

I was thinking about getting my wife a new Tesla for Mother's Day, but then I remembered what an old gentleman once told me. "Never give your wife a gift that has to be plugged in."

A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?”

The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?”

The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?”

By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.”

A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.

OM

Man am I disappointed. I just found out my universal remote does NOT control the universe...not even remotely.

Masochist to sadist. Beat me, beat me.
Sadist to masochist. No

WalterK75 said:

Masochist to sadist. Beat me, beat me.
Sadist to masochist. No

Click to expand...

always liked that one.
Haven't read through all recently so this may be a repeat:

Q: Do you know where you can weigh a pie?
A; Somewhere over the rainbow