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I'm ready for more jokes.

A blonde sees a load of sod beeing delivered and says to her friend:

That's what I'm going to do when I win the lottery, send my grass out to be cut!:doh
 

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Football

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
_________________________________________ __

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
___________________________________________

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
___________________________________________

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
___________________________________________

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
 
A Heart warming Christmas Fable

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,

Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,

and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
 
The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude
and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how woulmd you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.
 
What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
Hop in.

What did the leper say to the hooker?
Keep the tip.

Why did they have to stop the leper hockey game?
Face off in the corner.

What do you get when an epileptic falls into the lettuce patch?
Siezure salad.

What do you get when you cross a GPS with PMS?
A crazy b*tch who WILL find you.
 
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they
have avocados, get 6.

"A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.


J
 
I went to the bar last night and saw a chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and asked, "Do you really think so?"
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
 
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
 
Why doesn't North Dakota have a professional football team?
Because Minnesota would want one too.

--
Why can't the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?
Because they choke if they get too close to the bowl.
 
Two guys were talking.

One guy says,
"I just got back from my holiday in Switzerland."

Other guy: "Yeah? Berne?"

"No, damn near froze to death."

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Two kids were walking to school one Monday morning, talking about Sunday School.

First kid: "Yesterday in Sunday School, we learned about a lady who looked over her shoulder, and turned into a pillar of salt."

Second kid: "Hey, that's NOTHIN'! My uncle was driving down the road. He looked over his shoulder, and turned into a telephone pole!"

**********************************************************************************************************************************

A blonde man calls the hospital, and shouts frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

**********************************************************************************************************************************

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Pull down her genes.

*****************************************************************
 
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?,"
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they
get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says:
"Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
 
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

... The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start-up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
I Just Can't Win

Earlier tonight my wife was getting ready for bed, and I figured to get on her good side with a remark about her

new sleeping attire.

"When did you get that? I have never seen it before.", I ask.

"Earlier today. It came from McCaulou's. I'm surprised you noticed.", she said.

"Of course I noticed." Not in the mood to sleep and eager for a little action, I followed with a hopeful question,

"So, is it as easy for me to get into that outfit as the others you own?"

"I don't know. You can try it on if you would like.", she shot back.

True story.
 
Laws

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness, cost and color of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Boswell's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
 
New Flavor

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm famished," said the first one.

"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice piece of
plowed land with lots of fresh worms. They ate, and ate, and
ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full, I don't
think I can fly up to the tree," said the first.

"Me neither. Let's just lie here in the warm sun," said the first one.

No sooner had they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat
snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his
face after his meal, he thought, "I love Baskin' Robins."
 
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