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I'm ready for more jokes.

new drink

:bottleWent to a bar last night and the bartender offered me a new drink.
A Bin Laden....................two shots and a splash!:D
 
A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for
a rum & coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen
whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't
know we had a choice."
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.





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Art appreciation

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
 
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
 
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
 
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Good-bye Grandpa

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several*months later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


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Ahnuld

Once you know the facts it's understandable:
So Arnold approaches Maria and says, "Maria, the maid wants another raise.ÔÇØ
And Maria, after a little thought, says, ÔÇ£Screw her!ÔÇØ
 
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"



The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"




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I cut this from an ad on craigs list for an old Nissan. Can't decide if he's making a joke or serious :dunno:scratch:D

"This car will make for a great back and forth work vehicle. asking $1000.00 dollars, or best offer. Bottom dollar is $650.00 dollars."
 
how many Viet Nam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S RIGHT YOU DON'T EFFING KNOW MAN CUZ YOU WEREN'T THERE!
 
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