I'm ready for more jokes.

At a recent family gathering, a very young in spirit was seen sitting alone in the corner of the room.

Being almost 95 years old, seldom was she included in the family stories.

She began to smile and tears came to her eyes.

"Mom, are you Ok?"

"I am. I just realized you are all here because I got laid."

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Jokes,

I have only 1 thing to say about this: Being a 25 year member, I have noticed that some members have a tendency to take themselves far more seriously than the situation warrants. They are the demigods of details, taking the time to write a lengthy letter to a contributor who underestimated the weight of a new BMW by 1 pound, and suggesting that said person is wholly unqualified to contribute. They love to correct others because it makes them feel powerful and important. Similarly, there are the 'Moral Superiors" who love to lecture others about failings to be politically correct as it relates to humor; (To Wit: the whining and howls of false outrage when Jack Reipe writes a column). For myself, I am reminded of my father's advice regarding Television programs: " If you don't like the program, change the channel"/Turn the page or go to the next post.

To the "Morally outraged" among us, I joined this fine organization 25 years ago to learn, interact and have fun; not to be lectured. RELAX, and see a dermatologist about your thin skin.

Nuff Said.

3hawks

will3hawks said:

I have only 1 thing to say about this: Being a 25 year member, I have noticed that some members have a tendency to take themselves far more seriously than the situation warrants. They are the demigods of details, taking the time to write a lengthy letter to a contributor who underestimated the weight of a new BMW by 1 pound, and suggesting that said person is wholly unqualified to contribute. They love to correct others because it makes them feel powerful and important. Similarly, there are the 'Moral Superiors" who love to lecture others about failings to be politically correct as it relates to humor; (To Wit: the whining and howls of false outrage when Jack Reipe writes a column). For myself, I am reminded of my father's advice regarding Television programs: " If you don't like the program, change the channel"/Turn the page or go to the next post.

To the "Morally outraged" among us, I joined this fine organization 25 years ago to learn, interact and have fun; not to be lectured. RELAX, and see a dermatologist about your thin skin.

Nuff Said.

3hawks

Click to expand...

The term Keyboard Bully comes to mind,

Jokes

It’s getting to serious
Remember steal from the best
This is not my joke

Marriage Counselor: Welcome! What brings you two here today?

Wife: He takes everything so literally! I can't stand it any longer.

Husband: My truck.

Google Pizza

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses,

sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service

and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

WalterK75 said:

Marriage Counselor: Welcome! What brings you two here today?

Wife: He takes everything so literally! I can't stand it any longer.

Husband: My truck.

Click to expand...

Ha! Still as funny as when I posted the same joke three post earlier.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting
the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE BREATHS WE TAKE;
BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY!

akbeemer said:

Ha! Still as funny as when I posted the same joke three post earlier.

Click to expand...

The good thing about Alzeimers is you keep meeting new people and hearing new jokes...hear about the couple that go to a marriage counselor? I forget the rest but the punchline is "my truck"

One book and one DVD and you’re set.

akbeemer said:

Ha! Still as funny as when I posted the same joke three post earlier.

Click to expand...

Sorry about that. Another senior's moment.

Did anybody hear the one about the couple that went to the marriage counselor? He asked ...

Sounds familiar but I can't seem to remember

akbeemer said:

One book and one DVD and you’re set.

Click to expand...

Coffee spewing worthy

rick601 said:

The good thing about Alzeimers is you keep meeting new people and hearing new jokes...hear about the couple that go to a marriage counselor? I forget the rest but the punchline is "my truck"

Click to expand...

And you can hide your own Easter Eggs!

Old Ed went into the pro shop complaining that because his eyesight was failing he couldn't play golf any more and wanted to surrender his membership. The pro said "no, no, don't do that. There is another old guy, Bob, who has perfect eyesight and who is also looking to play but can't seem to get anyone to play with, so why don't I hook you up and you can play together and he can watch your shots." They did indeed get together and when old Ed stood on the first tee he turned to Bob and said "Can you watch this?" Bob replied "Absolutely". Ed struck the ball and turned to Bob; "Bob, did you see that?" Bob replied "Sure did. "Okay, where did it go?" Bob:" I forget".

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I

So Rene Descartes is sitting at a bar and the bartender asks, "You want another beer?"
Descartes says "I think not" and immediately disappears.