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I'm ready for more jokes.

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,

'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...





My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in

bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And then the fight started....
 
"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Ans...... Right where you left him!"

What do you name him? Anything you want, he won't come when you call him anyway. And every night you have to take him out for a drag!
 
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blond woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. .

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
I don't know - I thought you were watching."

The MORAL is: Not all blonds are dumb, but all men are men.
 
Mod break:

Please be sure this stays PG-13 so we can keep it going. A few are starting to tip toe up to the line.

Carry on.
 
Here are some real cruelty jokes. I heard them all from 5th graders.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who . . .

is lying outside your front door? MATT

is trying to swim? BOB

is trying to water ski? SKIP

is hanging on the wall? ART

is lying in the garden? HERB

wants to play baseball? FIRST BASE

What do you call a dog with no legs? ANYTHING YOU WANT; HE WON'T COME WHEN YOU CALL HIM ANYWAY.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM

No actual people or dogs were harmed in the making of these jokes.
 
Metric System

Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans
are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such.
But when it comes to lesser known units we're clueless. To help the
educational process along a bit ...

* 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

* 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

* Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

* 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

* Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

* Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straightline

* 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

* 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

* 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

* 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

* 52 cards = 1 decacards

* 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

* 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

* 10 rations = 1 decoration

* 100 rations = 1 C-ration

* 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
 
MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
> ---------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
But: Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician
----------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
USAF - Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------




"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
---------------------------------------------



"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.."
- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot, SR-71 )
---------------------------------------------


A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost, &
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
USAF Navi-guesser
--------------------------------------------


"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
---------------------------------------------


"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
---------------------------------------------




"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
---------------------------------------------


"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
---------------------------------------------


The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and
"Oh Sh..t!"
--------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------







"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
We never left one up there!"
---------------------------------------------







"Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-------------------------------------------









"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------







"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
---------------------------------------------







"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
When it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
--------------------------------------------


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats me, I just got here myself."






:dance:dance:dance
 
The Wife

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"
 
the westerner

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched
throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've
always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Remember: OLD MEN DESERVE RESPECT
:laugh
 
I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.*
 
These really work!!

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
 
Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. ÔÇÿThen, why do you even give a s**t?ÔÇÖ
 
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