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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #526
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    How I Lost My Teeth

    I was in the watering hole last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big ol' heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

    She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?"

    I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

    She said, "I sure do."

    I said, "Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

  2. #527
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    After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my car keys.

    I gave myself a personal "TSA pat down"; they weren't in my pockets.

    Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife had often reminded me that leaving the keys in the car was a bad idea; that the car could be stolen.

    The parking lot was empty.

    I immeadiatly called th police, gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in my car and it had been stolen.

    I then prepared to eat some crow and phoned my wife.
    "I left the keys in the car and it's been stolen"

    "Are you kidding me?" she asked.
    "I dropped you off"

    Embarrased, I said "Well come and get me."

    She replied "I will as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

  3. #528
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    What Would You Do?

    Would you tell him, or just sit back and watch...

    truck.jpg

  4. #529
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Yup, some people can't handle the truth!

    My Favourite Animal

    Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
    She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

    Guess where the f... I am now...
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  5. #530
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    Kevin Huddy
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  6. #531
    Registered User motocamper's Avatar
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    We're not here for a long time
    We're here for a good time HUEY LEWIS

    2007 R1200RT, 2003 F650CS

  7. #532
    Administrator 20774's Avatar
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    Heard this from the judge today at the end of the "instructions" for jury duty...it's a lawyer joke.

    Prosecutor is trying to understand why the old farmer is now suing when he told the state trooper at the scene that has fine. The old farmer started by saying "I was just trying to get my old mule, Bessie, into the trailer to take her to the doctor..." when the prosecutor tries to get the farmer back on track...why did he say he was fine at the scene but now is suing. This went back and forth with the prosecutor complaining to the judge...the judge says he'd like to hear the story.

    So, the farmer says that they while on the way to the doctor they were sideswiped by the big truck and Bessie went into one ditch and he went into the other. He was hurt pretty bad and he could tell from Bessie's moans, she was too. After a few minutes, a state trooper rolls up and walks over to Bessie's side and notices that she can't be saved, so pulls his revolver and puts her out of her misery. The trooper walks over to the old farmer and asks "How are you doing?".

    The old farmer quickly says "I'm fine."
    Kurt -- Forum Administrator ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
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  8. #533
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    In the darkened room the fortuneteller was telling her client"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, the woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

    "Will I be acquitted?"
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  9. #534
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    The Old West

    SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
    "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

    THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

    A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

    THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
    SALOON.

    THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

    THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.







    THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

    THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

    THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
    1 - Never be arrogant.
    2 - Don't waste ammunition.
    3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
    5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...






    I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

  10. #535
    Out There Somewhere bmwrider88's Avatar
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    A little girl is walking home from school when a guy dressed in all black pulls up along side her on a big motorcycle. He says, Hey little girl, want a ride? She says, NO! And keeps walking. He stays with her and asks again saying, Hey little girl, I'll give you ten dollars to get on the back of my bike. Again she says loudly, NO! And keeps walking, but a bit faster. Guy stays with her and finally says, OK, last chance- ten bucks AND a bag of candy if you go for a ride with me.

    The little girl stops in her tracks, turns to look right at the guy and says,
    LISTEN, DAD. YOU bought the Harley instead of the BMW. YOU ride it!
    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

  11. #536
    the Wizard of Oz 26667's Avatar
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    Cool Ojtj

    Kaplan's driving down the Edens Expressway when a cop pulls him over and shouts, "Sir! Do you realize your wife fell outta the car about a mile back?"

    "Oh, thank God! i thought I was going deaf!"
    We might as well walk. ~ Adam Guettel The Light In The Piazza
    used to own: 1982 R100T, 1984 R65, 1986K75C, 1997 R1100RT, R850R, K75S, 1978 R100RS... what was I thinking?

  12. #537
    3 Red Bricks
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    Two hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

    Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

    Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

    Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.





    LONG MAY YOUR BRICK FLY!

    Ride Safe, Ride Far, Ride Often

    Lee Fulton Forum Moderator
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  13. #538
    the Wizard of Oz 26667's Avatar
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    Cool Ojtj

    a very religious Hassidic Jew walks into a restaurant and says to the the maitre'd, "Pardon me. How do you prepare your chickens?"

    "We tell 'em right up front; they ain't-a-gonna make it!"
    We might as well walk. ~ Adam Guettel The Light In The Piazza
    used to own: 1982 R100T, 1984 R65, 1986K75C, 1997 R1100RT, R850R, K75S, 1978 R100RS... what was I thinking?

  14. #539
    Happily Bent dieselyoda's Avatar
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    We do have Thanksgiving in Canada, last weekend actaully,

    Wife comes home one day and announces to Husband, "Honey, I just got two tattoos!"

    Husband, "Really? Where?"

    She takes her pants off and there they are, a tattoo of a turkey on the inside of one thigh and a ham on the inside of the other.

    "What on earth did you do that for?"

    "Because you complain there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
    1997 R1100RT (Restored Basket Case) , 1981 KZ 440 LTD (Restored Basket Case)
    1986 K75S(the beutch), 1993 K1100RS (blown engine), 1997 Chev Short Box (4x4 with an LT1)
    "You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him."

  15. #540
    the Wizard of Oz 26667's Avatar
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    Cool Ojtj

    a russian, a Frenchman, and Jew are walking in the desert, and the Russian says, "Ach! i'm so tired and thirsty. I MUST have the wodka!"
    and the Frenchman says."Mon Dieu! I'm zo tired and thirsty. I MUST have ze wine"
    and the Jew says, "Oy! i'm so tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
    We might as well walk. ~ Adam Guettel The Light In The Piazza
    used to own: 1982 R100T, 1984 R65, 1986K75C, 1997 R1100RT, R850R, K75S, 1978 R100RS... what was I thinking?

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