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I'm ready for more jokes.

US and Canadian officials toured the Dakota Pipeline route by air yesterday. Government spokespersons said all went well……….




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:dance:dance:dance
 
Card games

Playing Bridge last night. When anyone asked 'what's trump?' I replied 'a friggin idiot'. They asked me to go back to word association.
 
With all the *new technology regarding

fertility recently, a *65-year-old friend of mine was able to give

birth. *When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I *went

to visit.
*

*
*

'May I see the *new baby?' I

asked
*

*
*

'Not yet,' She *said 'I'll make coffee and we

can visit for a *while first.'

*

*
*

Thirty *minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May

I see the *new baby now?'

*

*
*

'No, not yet,' *She said.

*

*
*

After another *few minutes had elapsed, I asked

again, 'May I see *the baby now?' *

*

*
*

'No, not yet,' *replied my

friend.

*

*
*

Growing very *impatient, I asked, 'Well, when

can I see the *baby?' *

*

*
*

'WHEN HE *CRIES!' she told

me. *

*

*
*

'WHEN HE *CRIES?' I demanded.

'Why do I have *to wait until he

CRIES?'
*

*

*
*

'BECAUSE I *FORGOT WHERE I PUT

HIM,O.K.?'
 
My Favorite Animal:

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said "fried chicken". She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork, and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most. I told her "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

FavAnimalPic.jpg
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the Night!"

She said "Aye, did you now. And what was your toast?"

John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary"

She said "Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep"
 
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
 
Bookie and Priest

A Baptist bookie was at the races playing the ponies and
losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto
the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed
a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another
long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings,
and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would
bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses,
and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated.
He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,
and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for
the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that
was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears,
and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he
had on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old
nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where
the Priest was standing.

Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in
the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a
chance.

Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
“You aren't Catholic are you my son?" "No, I'm Not.'.
That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell
the difference between a blessing and last rites."
 
These are not jokes, but rather epic failures of global marketing. In any case, I found some of them rather amusing. So, here you go.
• Braniff International translated a slogan touting its finely upholstered seats "Fly in Leather" into Spanish as "Fly Naked."
• Clairol launched a curling iron called "Mist Stick" in Germany even though "mist" is German slang for manure.
• Coca-Cola's brand name, when first marketed in China, was sometimes translated as "Bite The Wax Tadpole."
• Colgate launched toothpaste in France named "Cue" without realizing that it's also the name of a French pornographic magazine.
• Coors translated its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it is a colloquial term for having diarrhea.
• Electrolux at one time marketed its vacuum cleaners in the U.S. with the tag line: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
• Ford blundered when marketing the Pinto in Brazil because the term in Brazilian Portuguese means "tiny male genitals."
• Frank Perdue's tag line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got translated into Spanish as "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
• Gerber marketed baby food in Africa with a cute baby on the label without knowing that, in Ethiopia, for example, products usually have pictures on the label of what's inside since many consumers can't read.
• Ikea products were marketed in Thailand with Swedish names that in the Thai language mean "sex" and "getting to third base."
• KFC made Chinese consumers a bit apprehensive when "finger licking good" was translated as "eat your fingers off."
• Mercedes-Benz entered the Chinese market under the brand name "Bensi," which means "rush to die."
• Panasonic launched a Web-ready PC with a Woody Woodpecker theme using the slogan "Touch Woody: The Internet Pecker."
• Parker Pen, when expanding into Mexico, mistranslated "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you" into "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
• Paxam, an Iranian consumer goods company, markets laundry soap using the Farsi word for "snow," resulting in packages labeled "Barf Soap."
• Pepsi's slogan "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" was debuted in China as "Pepsi Brings You Back from the Grave."
• Puffs marketed its tissues under that brand name in Germany even though "puff" is German slang for a brothel.
• The American Dairy Association replicated its "Got Milk?" campaign in Spanish-speaking countries where it was translated into "Are You Lactating?"
• Vicks introduced its cough drops into the German market without realizing that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f" making "Vicks" slang for sexual intercourse.
 
if one goes to a common free translation site, such as http://www.freetranslation.com/, and selects "translate from Spanish to English", and types in no va (with a space), the response is "not going".
Not a big deal in any case.
I had a old Nova for a few years, and it was a great car.
Think I'll go travel with Braniff...
 
For the golfers, a story told by David Feherty:

It was back in the 70's and a soon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta for his first Masters.

Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.

The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, "Hello Mr. Floyd."

Floyd said "Hello." And followed that with, "That's the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question."

Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud, "I'm going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole."

Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, "How's that?"

The caddy spoke for the first time and said, "That wasn't your ball."
 
This isn't a joke, but it is pretty funny. Go to the Google search box and type a d. Yes, just that one letter. That one letter gives you four choices - one of which is Donald Trump. Must click on the other three choices for some other interesting reading. Here in BC Canada, Donald Trump isn't at the top of the list. Wonder if he tops the list in the US. Or maybe the list is alphabetical among the four most visited.

Give it a try and report back here.
 
OK, I'm already reporting back on the last email after trying the exercise again. Donald Trump tops the list this time (and no I didn't click it,) followed by Drive BC (road conditions,) dominos (which I have NEVER googled,) and Devin Booker (a professional basketball player I have never heard of.) Since the four listings aren't alphabetical following the d, and I have never googled the third and fourth choices, makes you wonder about their selection process.

Anyway, try it and see what Google coughs up for you as options with the single letter d.
 
Devin Booker, Dominos, Donald Trump is auto suggested but if you actually do the search then D programming language is at the top and none of those are listed. The suggestions are based on actual search statistics I believe. Google
how does google autocomplete work
For details
 
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke*

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'*

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back.
 
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