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I'm ready for more jokes.

Exam time

The final exam






There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them so far had an 'A'. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Tennessee State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to the Professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, which was worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!

Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written ...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________
 
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~



The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~



We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~



If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~



Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~



When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~



Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~



Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~



Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~



I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop

telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~



I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~



Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~



There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers~
 
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar ... After quite a few drinks Tiger tums to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years.•

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me . I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice. •

"But, how do you putt• asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm ·a scratch golfer. •

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime. •

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $100,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that. $100,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "Pick a night."
 
Q: What do Hardly Ablesons have in common with German Shepherds?

A: Both spend over half their lives in the back of a pickup.
 
Beer belly

Some ******* looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically if it was Pabst Blue Ribbon, Coors, Bud or Guinness.

I said, "There is a tap underneath; taste it and you tell me."
 
Puns for Educated Minds.....
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
A man at the sawmill had his ear cut off. He hollered "Please help me look for it! They can sew it back on". They looked all through the sawdust until somebody finally says "here it is! ".
The man looks at it and says "no that's not it, we need to keep looking!".
They said "how do you know ?"
He said "mine had a pencil behind it! "
 
Revision to # 3

Puns for Educated Minds.....
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

#3 She was only a bootleggers daughter, but we all loved her still.
 
Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a mistake. A big mixup she said. Although there were 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.
 
I just received my tax return for 2015 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps;2million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.

Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
 
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered.

What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.

If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says,
"Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?
 
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