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I'm ready for more jokes.

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr Hollande!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Hollande replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Hollande paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Hollande asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Hollande sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Hollande, was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Hollande, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Hollande. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners
 
British Humour

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:





FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bugger
Bites!






FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.






FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.






JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.











WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ...
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.











**** And the WINNER is... ****











FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.













Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
 
Home Security

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.







I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.







I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.







Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.







I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.
 
So Kirk Douglas turns 99 today.....and had a thing for The Motion Picture Rating System-

"if the good guy got the girl, it was PG".

"If the bad guy got the girl, it was R".

"If they all got the girl, it was X".

Happy birthday KD.

OM
 
Sometimes a $100.00 bill does go a long way-

A bald-headed bearded stranger stopped in town and went into an small old hotel to check in. He asked to go check out the rooms first so, in good faith, he left a $100 bill—a deposit of sorts—with the hotel owner. The hotel owner immediately ran next door to pay his grocery bill. The grocer ran it across the street to pay one of his suppliers. The supplier used it to pay off his co-op bill. The co-op guy ran it back across the street to pay the local hooker who had taken up residence in the aforementioned hotel. The hooker ran it downstairs to pay her hotel bill just ahead of the returning traveler, who picked the $100 bill off the desk and left saying that the rooms were not satisfactory.
Bob McTeer
om
 
porno

so a family is checking into a hotel, and as he's describing the hotel's amenities, the clerk ends with, "...and of course, cable TV and Pay-per-view." and the mother says, "Well! I certainly hope the porno is disabled." and the clerks says, "No. It's just regular, you sicko."
 
A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to the States from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which were promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
One thing the average forum reader, poster, lurker can do to help out the moderation team is to use the report post feature. At the lower left of each post is an excalmation square (!) and if you click on it, you can send a message to the moderation team. Your report has the space to say why you think the post is "out of bounds" based on the forum rules. You can use this or just flag the post. If more readers used this feature, it would make the moderation job easier, and might avoid the necessity of closing the whole thread.

I almost reported one of the last jokes that I felt was "out of bounds" but didn't because I am on the BoD and we have agreed not to become involved with the running of the forum.

Thanks,

tb

As BoD, think, It is just a thing to do. It is not running the forum, but helping with guidance.
 
Speaking of Colour


Attributed to John Cleese

Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Constantly using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]
 
circumsized a whale

Saw a Jauck Cousteau documentary to TV yesterday.

They circumcised a whale.

Yah! Know how they did it?

Four skin divers.

.
 
Pitfalls as a Senior

Subject: Seniors Don't Understand Some Directions.

This is why you (a Senior?) should listen to your Doctors instructions.

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where
the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle,
along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put
a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor
and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the
eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his
eyes yelled, "H​eck ​NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a
Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"


I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they
aren't very friendly there anymore!
 
A little old lady goes to a bank, meets with the head banker in his office and tells him she wants to open a new account and has cash to make a deposit. he says there is no problem and wants to know how much she has to deposit. she says, "$165,000.00 cash". He is surprised at the amount and asks her what she does to have so much money. she tells him she just gambles, and gambles a lot! as a matter of fact she says, I bet you $10,000.00 you have square testicles. he says he doesn't believe her but she tells him again, $10,000 says you have square testicles. okay he says, it is a bet! she replies, "look, this is a big bet, do you mind if my attorney comes in tomorrow morning as a witness?". "Fine", the banker says. the next morning at 10am she arrives with her attorney and sits down in front of the banker's desk and asks, "since this is such a large bet, do you mind If we actually see them?". so the banker drops his pants and the little old lady stands and starts her visual inspection. then she says, "look, they are rather hard to see, do you mind if I hold them in my hand and make sure they are not square?". "sure", the banker replies. so, she puts them in her hand and at the same time the attorney starts banging his head against the wall, time and again. the banker asks the old lady why her attorney is doing that. she replies, "I bet him $100,000.00 that within 5 minutes of being in your office I would have your balls in my hand!"......:deal
 
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having
a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The
father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man
goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.
The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a
collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at
every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. At the
end of a very painfully long day, he again drives slowly home.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he
proclaims, "I've just had the worst f------ day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on
the doorstep this morning".
 
Got this note from an acquaintance......

I have an epi pen. I'm not sure what I can do with it but it means a lot to me, because my friend gave it to me as his last dying act, and it seemed important to him that I have it.
 
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No Respect

A man in the cemetery approaches the rabbi right before the rabbi is going to deliver a eulogy and asks,

"Excuse me, Rabbi, do you have the password for the Wi-Fi here in the cemetery?”

Shocked, the rabbi says “Have you no respect for the dead?”

"Thanks," says the man, “is that all in lowercase?”
 
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