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I'm ready for more jokes.

Thermometer jokes

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?

......The taste



Nurse is at the end of the patients bed with her clipboard, she reaches behind her ear and pulls out a thermometer.
Immediately she exclaims "Oh damn, some ass_ole's got my pen!"
 
Massachusetts Road Kill Study

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead
crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have
died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's
relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of
paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint
residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a
cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows
eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could
shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
 
First Drink With My Son

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness.

He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Samuel Adams; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the John Jameson Dublin Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
 
Back on October 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding
west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker
Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to
miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before
you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best
last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval
from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and
then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real
talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode
with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
dear moderator, I hope this is ok

I work in musicals, so you'll have to forgive me...or block this one.

My new favorite tee shirt: "I'm not gay, But $20 is $20!"
 
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"What, you're coming empty handed?"

My 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?"
She replied, "So you can help me save the planet."
I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?"
"Because that's where I keep all my stuff."
 
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

'Dear Lord,' he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, 'without You we are but dust...'

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, 'Mommy, what is butt dust?'
 
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear jockey shorts don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
My buddy Jacques who gets me da firewood, eh.

I burn about 6-8 cords of firewood a year. I love a nice fire, cold beers, some hockey and good friends. I don't have time for the cutting and splitting of the firewood so my buddy Jacques does it for me.

He comes to me and says, "you know eh, I can cut da two cords da wood a day with my hax eh."

I'm thinking that he would charge me a little less if he was more efficient.

I say to my good friend Jacques that I have a chain saw he can use to get my firewood. I told him, "Jacques, with this chain saw I bet you can do 6 cords a day."

He looks at it and says, "This give me da 6 cords a day eh?"

I told him for sure.

Today he comes in to drop his load of firewood and I ask him if the chain saw helped.

"You know eh, with da chain saw, I cud just do a cord a day eh."

"Well, it must not be running right, let me see what's wrong."

I grabbed the saw, gave her a pull and she lit right up, "BBBBBBRRRRRRROOOOOMMMMMM"

Jacques looks at me and says, "Hey, wads dat noise?"
 
Lost Interest In Sex

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, one Dave Harper sued the St Paul's Hospital saying that after surgery there his wife had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied; Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery all we did was correct her eyesight.
 
Bin Laden The Real Story

The real story;

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound
and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he called the Navy SEALs himself.
 
Top 8 Idiots on the loose

1.*AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.





2. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'





3. *WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.





4. *THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.





5. *DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives
asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'





6. *ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'





7. *NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!





8. *THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating,
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver,no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!






*Now remember these are all true stories, and these people vote and most have children!*
 
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