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I'm ready for more jokes.

Kama Cookbook?

What has the Kama Sutra and a cookbook got in common?

Whatever my wife tries from it looks nothing like the picture.
 
A recent medical study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low...
 
Customs officials in Europe recently seized a shipment of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican.

Which can only mean that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has just received a giant box of communion wafers.

Only funny because you don't live here;)
 
Only funny because you don't live here;)

I used to live in Toronto but made my escape to cottage country about 10 years ago.
Mayor Ford has been an almost constant source of amusement since he was elected.
I agree, NOT funny if you live in Toronto. Embarrassing perhaps, but not funny.
 
Cracked-up

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving.
According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members.
In his defense, Ford said, "We had to, they were completely out of crack."
 
Brothers in arms?

Apparently, "Rob Ford" is an old Canadian name meaning "Marion Barry".
 
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Clean-up in aisle 3

"Hey! Don't judge Rob Ford,
"Maybe he's cleaning up the city by smoking all the crack in it.
 
Pool, anyone?

What is Rob Ford favourite billiards game?
8 ball.
 
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Guest Appearance

I hear that Gonzo made an appearance on the Kimmel show recently.
Apparently there was also a Muppet.
 
I am neither a train expert, nor a fireman, but I am pretty sure this is not going to work.
 

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My talent reading backwards is right up there with all the other useless stuff I can remember.



Of course the above is taking up valuable memory, which I'd like to use for more important information. Not gonna happen though. The theme to Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch, etc. will always be there.
 
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It was dread-ful.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium!
(This joke was sodium funny, that I slapped my neon that one.)
 
A Little Too Close To Home,,,,,

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I70. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
 
The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn.

All the chapel bells are ringing.....


Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.

She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

'I'll alter him!
 
Two Young Boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
Heavenly Golf

At the golf course up in heaven, Jesus and Moses are about to tee off when an old man comes up to them saying that the starter said he could join them. Jesus and Moses looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and said, "sure, why not."

So Moses went up to the first tee with his driver and whacked the ball about 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway, he blew on his fingernails and rubbed them against his frock and said to Jesus, "Let's see you top that one."

Jesus says "Stand aside" and steps up with his driver. Without taking a single practice stroke, he whacks the ball 350 yards right down the middle.

So it's the old man's turn and he walks up with his driver and badly tops the ball. Jesus and Moses start chuckling into their hands. The ball starts rolling to the lake and disappears into the water to uproarious laughter by J and M. At that moment, they see a fish jumping in the lake with a golf ball in his mouth. The fish lands on the shore and spits out the ball.

Suddenly, a squirrel came along and picked up the ball and started running further away from the hole. Without warning, an eagle swooped down from the sky and picked up the squirrel. It flew in circles and headed toward the hole. Right above the hole, the squirrel died and let go of the ball. The ball plopped down and rolled into the cup.

Jesus and Moses looked at each other with shocked expressions. Then, Jesus turned to the smiling old guy and said, "Look Dad, are you going to screw around or are you going to play golf?"
 
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