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I'm ready for more jokes.

Local paper headline-Police find crack in mans' underwear.-i spit coffee on the table over that one.Ed
 
Deflatng the Ego of a Musician...

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of three.

How do you get the bass player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out of the back seat.

How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to do it, the other six to stand around and say "I could have done better."

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb. The other six to stand around saying "I could have done better -- and faster."

Why are there no keyboard player jokes?
Because they're all true.

What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between God and a Conductor?
God knows he's not a conductor.

What's the difference between a charging bull and an orchestra?
On the bull the horns are up front and the a**hole is in the back.

The definition of perfect pitch: When the banjo doesn't hit any side of the dumpster when thrown.

A question never asked: "Is that the banjo players GSA parked outside?"

--
Yes, I am a recovering sound tech. Careful, I control the slider marked "talent."
t.
:rocker
 
What does a drum solo, a sneeze and an orgasm have in common?





You know their comming and there is nothing you can do to stop them.
 
Police harassment

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum (a
question and answer exchange, the topic, "Community Policing." A
civilian email participant posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

Sgt. B., a cop with a sense of humour, replies:

First of all, let me tell you this, it's not easy. In Toronto we
average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them
contact with the day-to-day innocents. At any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for
harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is
responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people
which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
wife" is a code phrase we often use. This means we'll come out and
give some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy
breaking into a house" or " So and so has a grow op". The harassment
team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
drivers license and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out
of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass
folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle,
Liquor Act, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which
you can really mess with people.

After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile
until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and
harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well,
there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I
got permission to harass this guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty
well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we
get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab,
we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give
me a single finger wave, that's another code word.
 
His Logic / Her Logic

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

:scratch
 
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.


.
 
There is some truth here

Paraprosdokians are "Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. When you steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

And last, but not least, The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
The Multiple Talents of Motorcyclists...

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with boxer engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
:D
 
Balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"



You're laughing aren't you ...I know you are!!!

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!
 
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife, Cindy, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, ÔÇ£Honey,ÔÇØ I stammered. I always call her ÔÇ£honeyÔÇØ in times like these. ÔÇ£I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.ÔÇØ

There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard CindyÔÇÖs voice. ÔÇ£RoyÔÇØ she barked, ÔÇ£I dropped you off!ÔÇØ
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, ÔÇ£Well, come and get me.ÔÇØ
Cindy retorted, ÔÇ£I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?ÔÇØ
:thumb
 
Remember that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. <br>

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
 
What is celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, ÔÇ£It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.ÔÇØ

He then addressed the men.

ÔÇ£Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?ÔÇØ

Frank leaned over, touched AnnÔÇÖs arm gently, and whispered,

ÔÇ£Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?ÔÇØ

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.




ATT00002.jpg
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we all are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo poop, Kemo Sabe. It means someone stole our tent!"
 
Akabama Preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "D...o you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared....
 
Harley mechanic & the cardiologist

Received this from my sister yesterday:

THE HARLEY MECHANIC & THE CARDIOLOGIST

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the
mechanic was working on the motorcycle..

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and
you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic.......... "Try doing it with the engine running."
 
From the, Worst Jokes Ever" list

A deaf mute stumbles into Whaleyville; the local priest takes pity on him and gives him the job of ringing the bells in the tower. Being a deaf mute the priest was unable to get the mans name. One day while going to ring the bells the man slips stumbles falls face first into one of the bells, and falls from the tower and dies. As the crowd gathers around the body one person asks the priest, Who was... that? the priest says, I dont know but his face sure rings a bell. Wait it gets betterJust then another man stumbles into town, claiming to be the dead mans brother. The priest takes pity on him as well, and offers him the same job. But in the excitement he never gets the second mans name. A few days later, the new man slips and falls to his death as well. As the crowd gathers this time, someone asks the priest, Who was that? the priest says I dont know, but hes a dead ringer for his brother.
 
St. Paddy's Day jokes

Murphy opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Murphy. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
 
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