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I'm ready for more jokes.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.
 
St Peter
is checking people into Heaven. he's working with a guy, and asks,
"have you ever done anything particularly heroic?"

guy sez,
well, yes. i was out in South Dakota, traveling in our RV, when i came across a young woman whose car had broken down. a big gang of Outlaw Bikers had stopped also and were giving her a big hassle, it seemed, as she appeared really upset. i stopped the RV, jumped out and ran right up to the biggest, baddest one of them- the one who appeared to be the leader. i kicked his Harley over, snatched his nose ring out and punched him in the stomach saying, "NOW! you guys leave this woman ALONE! or you're ALL gonna get the same treatment!"

St Peter, obviously impressed responded, "WOW! and when did this happen?"

looking at his watch, the guy said,
"about 20 minutes ago"
 
Little Girls say the darndest things

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.. "How about why there is
no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled
smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.



Mike
 
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A theist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and
he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book,
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the theist.. "How about why there is
a god, or heaven or hell, or life after death?" as he smiled
piously.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The theist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss whether there is a god, or heaven or hell, or a life after
death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.



Mike

There, all fixed up for ya', except much funnier now..:nono
 
Lifted from another forum.....

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the Route Number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

The State Trooper says, "Before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car O.K.? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 127!"
 
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...

Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Do you smell fish?"
 
A young man walked into an insurance agency to purhase coverage for his new mototcycle. Only one question confused him. " Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

" I've got a kickstand", he replied. " Is that the same thing ?".
 
back in 1965

back in 1965 a guy is standing on a corner in San Francisco. on the opposite corner there are several people, all with long hair standing around. the guy looks and looks, then finally walks over to the group

and asks,
which of you has a menstrual cycle?

one of them pipes up and says.
not me, i ride a Honda
 
Hurricane Jokes

from The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:
Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

from The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson:
People on the east coast are cleaning up after the hurricane, and on the west coast, weÔÇÖre cleaning up after the Video Music Awards.

from Late Night With Jimmy Fallon:
The storm was huge news. In fact, The Weather Channel reported something they hadnÔÇÖt seen in years: viewers.
 
A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
towards the door, the husband cried out, ÔÇ£Watch that wall!ÔÇØ




.
 
Dad buys a Lie Detector Robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it. Son where were you today? At school the son replies. Robot slaps him! Ok at a friends watching a dvd. What dvd? Dad asked. "Toy Story" Robot slaps him again. Ok a porno cries the son! Dad yells WHAT! When I was your age, we didnt know what porn was! Robot slaps dad. Mom laughing hahaha. He's definitely your son. Robot slaps mom
 
A man on his Harley...

A man on his Harley was riding along

a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming

voice, God said, ÔÇ£ Because you have tried to be faithful

to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish.ÔÇØ

The biker pulled over and said,

ÔÇ£ Build a bridge to

Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I

want.ÔÇØ

God replied,

ÔÇ£ Your request is materialistic; think

of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the

concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is

hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could

possibly help mankind.ÔÇØ

The biker thought about it for a long

time. Finally, he said, ÔÇ£ God, I wish that I, and all men, could

understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she

cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she

snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a

woman truly happy .ÔÇØ

God replied:

" You want two lanes or four on that

bridge?"
 
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
 
There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under
any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus,
take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.
Order drinks immediately and after three rounds,
you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you
are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls
your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive
so I'm headed for the bar anyway....it never hurts to be safe.
 
There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under
any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus,
take your motorcycle and go for a long ride, preferably for multiple days or weeks..
Enjoy the fresh air and new scenery, prefferably on twisty roads, at the end of each day, enjoy a refreshing cold beer (or drink of choice) and by the end of several days
you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you
are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls
your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive
so I'm headed for the bar anyway....it never hurts to be safe.

Fixed for site appropriatness. :thumb
 
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