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I'm ready for more jokes.

Boating related

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family coming-of-age tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat, promptly sank and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"
 
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, are illegally living in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.
 
Sci-Fi Convention

So The Story Goes Like This
By Bart Geraci

So I was heading to a SciFi convention out in West Texas. I had a single friend who liked Star Wars and I asked him if he wanted to come with me. He said that there would be nothing but nerdy guys there and he'd rather go out to the local bars that weekend.

I told him that yes, the ratio of men to women was going to be high at the convention, but he would be more likely to find a woman that shared the same passions as he did, and that could be a better start to a relationship. So he agreed to come with me.

In the evening, some of the hotel convention rooms were used as singles mixers, and each one had a different theme.

The Dr. Who room was made to look like the TARDIS, including the blue Police Box on the outer door.
The Star Trek room looked like the bridge of the Enterprise.
And around the corner, we found that the Star Wars room looked like one of the planets.

So we stepped inside because ...
we were looking for love in Alderaan places.
 
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tried to be
reassuring.

My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I promise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have hear
about from odda girls .... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her,
"You want ... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
 
THE BRIDGE

A man on his BMW GS was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.





God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?*
 
If a guy customizes a motorcycle, but does not post about it on the MOA forum, is he still wrong?
 
Father O'Malley moves to Texas...

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley arose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites." There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
 
Tourist pulls up in front of a country store.

He sees a man outside sitting next to little terrier that's growling and showing his teeth.

"Your dog bite?" "No," the man says...

Tourist steps out of his car, and is quickly attacked and bitten by the angry terrier!

Back in his car he yell's " Dam, you said your dog doesn't bite!"

"Ayuh.... mine don't.. but that one does."
 
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper?s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" ,the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing" like that before and I"ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.?

Apparently, I'm still lost?
 
At the Gates

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:
"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."
 
There's Always a Way...

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, lift up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!
 
184574_10200773965345725_533294136_n.jpg

....
 
The Magic Elixir

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".
Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check on him.
They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings.
He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.
 
C'mon Pauls1150, you got better, I know it

Polar bear cub walks up to his Mom and asks, "Am I Polar Bear?"
"Of course son", she replies.
"I'm a Polar Bear, your Father is a Polar bear and so are your brothers and sisters."

The young Polar bear cub shakes his head and trots away. He sees his dad.

"Dad, am I Polar bear?"
Dad looks at him with love and caring, "Yes son, you are a Polar Bear."
"your Mom is a great Polar bear, I'm a great Polar bear. Your brothers and sisters are Polar bears. Your Grandmother and your Grandfather are awesome great Polar bears. Your Aunts and Uncles and all your cousins are Polar Bears."

The young cub shakes his head in a quizzical look.

Dad says, "Why do you ask my son?"

"Dad, it's just that I am freaking freezing."
 
from Leno

from The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:

Today is Friday the 13th, and over in Finland the airline "Finnair" had a flight numbered 666 going to Helsinki, which has the three-letter designation "HEL". So on your ticket it says Friday the 13th, flight 666, going to hell. Even scarier? There's a layover in Newark.
 
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