• Welcome, Guest! We hope you enjoy the excellent technical knowledge, event information and discussions that the BMW MOA forum provides. Some forum content will be hidden from you if you remain logged out. If you want to view all content, please click the 'Log in' button above and enter your BMW MOA username and password.

    If you are not an MOA member, why not take the time to join the club, so you can enjoy posting on the forum, the BMW Owners News magazine, and all of the discounts and benefits the BMW MOA offers?

I'm ready for more jokes.

This would be a joke if only it weren't true.

But, it sure did make me Laugh Out Loud!

http://www.alpineavalanche.com/articles/2010/11/18/news/opinion/opinion03.txt

Voni
sMiling
:laugh:laugh:laugh

I especially like this: "These vandals (the deer, tb) are responsible for illegally crossing our borders carrying innumerable diseases, encouraging illegal immigration, drug running and possibly global warming. They carry dear tick fever, which causes illness among harmless ticks and the dreaded Lyme disease. (For years I thought Lyme disease was an aversion to limes, until somebody spelled it for me.)"

tb
 
Tom...in regards to your joke posted yesterday...

...what do have against lawyers?
Just kidding.
Someone will always be offended, regardles of how PC we try to be.
 
My response in BLUE
Tom...in regards to your joke posted yesterday... Not MY joke, but one from the old thread I reposted.

...what do have against lawyers? Nothing more that anyone else. As an accountant, I get plenty of ribbing too. :D
Just kidding. Me too.
Someone will always be offended, regardles of how PC we try to be.
And I was just trying to get the thread back to jokes. If we want a full discussion of moderation policy AGAIN, I feel that it should be in a thread with an appropriate title AND be in the Clubhouse.

This thread is for jokes.
:buds

tb
 
THE PREACHER conversed with Little Ole one sunny day:
"So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
Ole answered, "Thank God he's in bed!"



One day Ole was home alone when the lady next door came over.
"Ole she said would you please do me a favor and take of my blouse for me?"
Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her.
"Now Ole would you please take off my skirt for me?"
Once again Olie obliged her.
"Ok Ole take off my panties and bra."
Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning.
She looked Ole in the eyes and said "And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"
 
Fullfillment of a Dream
A successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a motorcycle mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls at a mechanic's seminar with BMW.

After many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a randomly chosen BMW engine.

He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads.

He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished.

He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends.

Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.

"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks.

"Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the exhaust."
 
What a REAL woman can do.....

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and

will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible guy around.

No wait... sorry.... I'm thinking of beer.

It's beer that does all that.......

Never mind.
 
Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.


Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
 
Alcatraz ÔÇô terrorist cat organisation
bescattered ÔÇô your room after a cat has been in it
caricature ÔÇô what you look like to a cat
cat burgler ÔÇô mentally ill person who sneaks into houses and steals cats
catabaptist ÔÇô fundamentalist cat
catabolic ÔÇô cat breakdown with release of even more energy
cataclysm ÔÇô sudden, violent change involving a lot of cats
catacomb ÔÇô cat comb (It.)
catacoustic ÔÇô study of sound effects done by cats at night
catagenesis ÔÇô history of cat reproduction; first book of cat bible
Catalan ÔÇô LAN for Spanish cats
catalepsy ÔÇô condition of a cat when it sees a mouse
Catalina ÔÇô large American car for cats
catalogue ÔÇô list of cats
catalyst ÔÇô intoxicated cat
catamaran ÔÇô pleasure boat for cats
catapult ÔÇô device for removing cats
catarrh ÔÇô cat growling
catastrophe ÔÇô a great cat disaster
catatonic ÔÇô health tonic to make a cat feel better (It.)
catbird ÔÇô a cat with a problem
catcall ÔÇô futile effort by humans to get a cat to come
catching ÔÇô Chinese cat
catechism ÔÇô instructions for being a cat
category ÔÇô horror story for cats
catenate ÔÇô one more life to go
catfish ÔÇô what some cats do in the home aquarium
cat-o'-nine-tails ÔÇô instead of nine lives
catsup ÔÇô the cat's awake and making noise for food
cattle ÔÇô lots of cats
cattleman ÔÇô frustrated man who tries to herd cats
Catullus ÔÇô Roman cat
concatenate ÔÇô combining eight cats into one
hypercatalectic ÔÇô cat that adds extra syllables to its meow
magnificat ÔÇô musical piece about a cat; his royal excellency the cat
moscato ÔÇô small, blood-sucking cat
mudcat ÔÇô all terrain cat
piscatology ÔÇô the study of cats marking their territory
scat ÔÇô fast cat
 
A Zen Master steps up to a hot dog cart in Brooklyn and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor quickly fixes him a foot-long masterpiece smothered with onions and chili. Respectfully, he hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor stuffs the bill in the cash drawer and says, "Anything else?"

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.


All the way back, the elderly husband

became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded

his wife relentlessly during the entire

return drive. The more he chided her,

the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
 
Ole was out on the lake hunting and the warden boats up to him and checks his hunting license and sees that there are loons in Ole's boat. "Oh brother Ole" the warden says, "you got yourself a peck of trouble now. Everyone knows loons are protected and it is against the law to shoot them."

The warden issues the citation and the court date comes around and Ole really gets an ear full from the judge about how the loon is a rare and beautiful bird that deserves protection, and how Ole had been shooting an icon of the north country. The judge issued a fine of $100 and made Ole promise to never shoot a loon again. After the case was settled the judge quitetly asks "well Ole I've always been curious, what do loons taste like?"

Ole replies "sorta like bald eagle."
 
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be
challenged with the task of tracing home titles back
potentially hundreds of years.
With a community rich with history stretching back over two
centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult
to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney

wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:








You have to love this lawyer........



A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the

title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have title extended further than the
206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country, particularly those
working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the
land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which
had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land
came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a
new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus 's expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus
Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and
His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the
world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's
original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"



The loan was immediately approved.
 
BUT THIS IS

BAD Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)
 
Coherent thinking for me

Random Thoughts for the Day:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
:D
 
Drinkin and Drivin in Newfoundland . . . .. .





Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering...up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels.



'We're on the patch.
 
Age Old Philosophical Question

If a man says something in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
 
Back
Top