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I'm ready for more jokes.

No Sleep

An insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic tried to have a sleepover. It didn't work. They were up all night arguing about whether there's a Dog.
 
Yuletide greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,

Our Best Wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped to make Canada great (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, political belief, choice of computer platform, internet provider or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishers.
 
Motorcycle tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, rubber hoses, and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads when pliers are unavailable. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools used to transform human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

CRAFTMAN SOCKETS: Once used for working on older American cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been trying to find for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward.
 
Tim and Janice

Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels in love with her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they returned home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dances, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
:laugh
 
Practice at the Jets Stadium was delayed 2 hours today after a player found a white powdery substance on the ground. Police and Homeland Security investigated. Experts determined that the white ...substance, unfamiliar to most of the players ...was in fact the goal line!!!
 
Mans Original Sin

The picture says it all....
 

Attachments

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Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly

Texting Abbreviations for the Elderly

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta-blocker
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: For Your Indigestion...
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Gotta Groan
IMHMO: In My HMO...
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
alternate:
OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'clock - Early Bird Special)
TTYL: Talk To You Louder?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet The Furniture
alternate:
WTF: What's Today's Fish?
 
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'





.
 
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa

Then there was the insomniac dyslectic agnostic. He stayed up all night trying to figure out if there was a dog.
 
Differences

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? Ans... The location of the dirtbag.

What is the difference between a bad golfer and an inept skydiver? Ans..... The bad golfer goes "whack, dang"! The bad skydiver goes "dang, whack"!

How do you make holy water?.... Ans...Boil the hell out of it!

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Ans...... Right where you left him!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Ans.... Anyone can roast beef.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Ans.... Sanka.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Ans..... Nacho Cheese.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Ans.... Dam!

How do crazy people ride through the forest? Ans.... They take the psychopath!

And lastly.... Suport bacteria. It is the only culture some people have!
 
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? Ans... The location of the dirtbag.

What is the difference between a bad golfer and an inept skydiver? Ans..... The bad golfer goes "whack, dang"! The bad skydiver goes "dang, whack"!

How do you make holy water?.... Ans...Boil the hell out of it!

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Ans...... Right where you left him!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Ans.... Anyone can roast beef.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Ans.... Sanka.

What do you call cheese that is not yours? Ans..... Nacho Cheese.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Ans.... Dam!

How do crazy people ride through the forest? Ans.... They take the psychopath!

And lastly.... Suport bacteria. It is the only culture some people have!

What kind of cheese do teachers prefer? Graded cheese (say it fast)
 
HER DIARY VS. HIS DIARY
____________________________
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked
him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly,
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he
didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had
lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About
15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep I cried. I
don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
Bike wouldn't start today can't figure it out, but at least I got laid!
 
This was posted in the old discontinued jokes thread, it bears repeating:



Went to a big bike rally....

All the crotch rocket guys checked out the chicken strips on my tires

The Gold Wing guys checked out my ride for extra lights

The Beemer guys just looked at my odometer & shook their heads

The Harley guy checked out....HEY, WHERE THE HELL"S MY WIFE!
 
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