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I'm ready for more jokes.

COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment!
 
Company Hurricane Policy

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the DS guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane category 1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.

Hurricane Category 2
Due to horizontal rain, you may wear jeans. No shorts, skirts or mini-skirts allowed.

Hurricane Category 3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded, we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building without getting wet.

Hurricane Category 4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up.

Hurricane Category 5
Duct tape will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out, For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3.00pm in the lunch room.

Have a nice day! :banghead
 
CANADIAN JOKE

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian
Rockies, were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a
little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has
a bright red handprint on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have
groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have
groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed
and got me instead.

The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
so I can smack that S.O.B. from Quebec again.
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Jim Smith, BMW rider, 50, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
Says the coroner.... 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
 
Super Marketing Idea

A while ago a new supermarket opened in my neighborhood. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
 
Things you don't want to overhear over an airplane p.a. System

1.Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2.Hey folks were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3.Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4.Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5.ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

7.I'm sure everyoneÔÇÖs noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8.Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9.This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to. So you'll have to give me some leeway......

10.It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11.We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and, ...Uhhh, Oh.

12.Don't worry that one is always on E...

13.Get the parachutes ready...

14.Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

15.Hey captain, take another hit man...

16.Hey why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane...
 
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
ItÔÇÖs better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
 
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"



No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day.
 
A Woman's Poem

(author unknown)

He didn't like the casserole,
and he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard,
not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right,
he didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
the way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
like his mother used to do.
 
Pet diaries

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary":

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary":

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
 
Perrermint Taste

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied John.

"What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

"I don't know, but they got a peppermint taste."





Bob Schrader
 
E-mail trouble

I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician! NOT!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY
 
Why we shoot deer in the wild

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed upÔÇô 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deerÔÇô no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deers momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didnt want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder  a little trap I had set before handkind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when .. I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its headalmost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you cant get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scopeto sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true An Educated Farmer

ÔÇØLifeÔÇÖs tough, pilgrim, and itÔÇÖs even tougher if youÔÇÖre stupid.ÔÇØÔÇô John Wayne
 
Attributed to Willy Nelson

If youÔÇÖre going to have sex with an animal, make it a horse. That way, if things donÔÇÖt work out, youÔÇÖll at least have a ride home.
 
Kinda like a reply I like to use when asked how I would like my steak cooked.
ÔÇ£Just lead it in by the nose. IÔÇÖll cut off what I want and ride the rest home.ÔÇØ

Jeff Foxworthy said,
ÔÇ£If part of your parole states that you are not allowed to own sheep,
You might be a Redneck.ÔÇØ
 
The Republican


A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 
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